I feel like I should finish the whole labor and delivery story before I write other stuff but today I realized that you might not get any other updates if I do that.

It hardly seems possible that Henry will be 6 weeks old on Friday. We have settled in to our new life quite nicely. Pretty much every day I am amazed at how much I love this kid and how much I enjoy being his mom. I realize that there are about one million decisions I make every day that will potentially mess this kid up but I try not to dwell on that too much. Instead I do everything I can to make sure he is happy and healthy and having a good time.

I'm pretty sure he isn't having very much fun during this photo session but his grandparents and I were cracking up.


He doesn't really sit up very well, or at all, on his own yet and he kept falling over.

Poor kid.

This morning's photo shoot was a little less stressful for him. He was laying on the bed looking at all his little stuffed animal friends while I sorted laundry.


I got a new point and shoot camera and I'm sure there will be lots more photos to come!

innings 1 through 3...

I was going to write a post for each inning but holy shit, that's a lot of work and I've been a little busy lately. So you'll just have to deal with the Reader's Digest version...

Once I got back to triage, I was actually feeling much better and my vision was completely normal. I hoped they wouldn't send me back home because my dr. had already agreed to induce the next day anyway. A resident and an intern came in to see me and it was the beginning of an interesting relationship.

The resident, who my mom insists on calling "Nurse Ratchet" even though she wasn't a nurse, was nice enough at first. I explained what happened with my vision and she asked questions about my pregnancy. All was well until she asked me what medications I had taken during the pregnancy. I explained that I had taken Xanax for a little over a month but had stopped taking it at the beginning of October. She gave me a disapproving look so I said, "My husband left me in August..." and before I could say anything else she said, "Sooooo??" and I said, "Sooooo... it was a pretty stressful time and I couldn't sleep..." She continued with the disapproving look so I continued explaining, "My dr. was worried that I wasn't getting enough rest so he prescribed it to help me out..." She didn't say anything else. The intern, Patrick, who looked like he was about 16 years old, stood behind her shaking his head and silently mouthing the words, "I'm sorry."

After our lovely little chat, she decided it was time to see how far I was dilated. My dr. had checked me at my appointment a few days earlier and I was dilated to 1.5 cm so I hoped to be a little further along. Since my dr. had checked me, I knew what to expect during this exam, it would be uncomfortable but not too bad. Wrong. Nurse Ratchet stuck her fingers up my hoo-ha and I think she tried to pull the baby out while she was in there. It hurt so bad, I almost came off the table. She apologized and said she has never had a baby so she doesn't know how much it hurts. What. The. Fuck. And I was still only dilated to 1.5 cm.

They decided to admit me because my blood pressure was high which apparently is why I lost my vision. Instead of inducing me on Friday evening, they would do it that night. I was really excited and ready to get the show on the road. Here I am all settled into my little room. Look how happy I am! Yay!! I'm gonna have a baby soon!!


Nurse Ratchet came in and said they would use Cervidil to get things started. Great. No problem. Then a few minutes later she came back and said she spoke with her team and they decided to use a catheter instead. Apparently the catheter would get stuck up my hoo-ha and it would have a balloon on the end that they would inflate and it would make my cervix dilate. Hmmm... that sounded like less fun... Sure enough, Nurse Ratchet stuck that thing up there and it hurt like hell. I was pissed when she said the baby's head was too low against my cervix and the catheter wouldn't work. The good thing was that my water broke when she was rooting around in there. Finally she said they would use oxytocin to get things going. I was all excited until I realized that oxytocin is NOT the same as oxycontin. Really? Who named these things??

At some point Patrick the Intern Boy stopped in with a couple other interns to say hi and to check on me. I think he wanted to make sure I hadn't killed Nurse Ratchet yet. Nope. Not yet.

Because my blood pressure was high, they had to give me magnesium sulfate in my IV. They brought me food before giving me the magnesium because once it started, I wasn't going to be able to eat or drink anything. I was starving because we never did get to go to lunch after going to the bookstore. It took a while to hook everything up - magnesium, pitocin, and saline - because they had new IV pumps and the nurse (the real nurse, not Nurse Ratchet) wasn't used to them yet. It felt like there were IV lines everywhere and she ended up labeling them so they knew which one was which. The nurse warned me that the magnesium might make me feel hot. Holy shit, she was not kidding. About 2 seconds after the drip started, I felt like I was on fire. It was awful. The nurse called and had the temperature turned way down for me, whew!

Here I am after the magnesium started and I pretty much felt how I looked - awful.

Not only was the IV and all the lines a pain in the ass, I had a blood pressure cuff on my other arm that took my blood pressure every 15 minutes. And I couldn't walk because of the magnesium, so I had a lovely catheter as well. Too much information? Too bad.

Even though I was uncomfortable, the night was still young. I was still looking forward to having contractions, getting an epidural, and pushing out a baby.

Or not.

I am still working on writing about labor and delivery! Hopefully I can still remember what happened. Or maybe it's better that I forget?

Did I mention Henry is amazing-tastic?

Pre-game and batting practice.

My due date, November 1, came and went and no baby. I was doing everything I could think of to get ready to give birth. Unfortunately, the only thing I could think of was painting my toenails so they didn't look all gnarly in the delivery room. Do you know how difficult it is to paint your toenails with a big ol' bowling ball under your shirt?

I know I look all happy in this photo but it's probably because I just finished resting up and catching my breath from painting one toenail.

My parents and I took lots of walks around the neighborhood and to the Belle Isle Conservatory when it got too cold to be outside. Oh sweet maternity leggings. Don't worry, I didn't wear them out in public until the last week.

I was happy on this day because I could still shove my feet in my beloved Keens! I was unhappy on this day because I was still pregnant and knew Optimus Prime was growing bigger every day and was constantly thinking about where he needed to come out...

Even Willie Horton was getting tired of waiting for Optimus Prime's birth...


When my parents and I went anywhere in the city, I insisted on driving. I like to drive because I get motion sick pretty easily and it was just easier since I knew where I was going. On Thursday November 4, we decided to go to the bookstore to get a couple birthday presents and then we were going to go get lunch. As we walked out the door I asked my dad to drive, I was feeling pretty tired and it is really difficult to parallel park when you're 40+ weeks pregnant. Little did I know, this was the best decision I had made in a long time.

After spending a little while at the bookstore, I checked my phone and had an email from Jesse. As I was reading the email, I realized my vision was doing some really strange things. I could see light and color but I could not read the email. It was like I was looking through a windshield during a really really really heavy rainstorm and the wipers weren't doing a damn thing. I told my parents something was wrong with my eyes and I was going to the car. They were already in line to pay for their stuff so it was no big deal. We went down the road to the restaurant for lunch and as we walked to the door to the restaurant I realized that my vision was worse and I was starting to lose my peripheral vision and there was no way in hell we should get lunch. We got back in the car and as we headed back toward home, I called my doctor to find out what I should do. By that time, I couldn't see much and was losing more and more peripheral vision. I spoke with a nurse and the conversation went a little like this:

Nurse: Tell your dad to pull over and you need to hang up and call 9-1-1 right away. The ambulance needs to take you to the nearest hospital.
Me: But I'm in Detroit. The ambulance won't come. Can't we just drive to the hospital where I plan on delivering?
Nurse: No, call 9-1-1, the ambulance needs to take you to the nearest hospital.
Me: Okayyyy... but it will be faster to just drive there myself.
Nurse: You need an ambulance. Call 9-1-1 right now.

Yeah. I happen to know there aren't enough ambulances in the city and was 99.9% sure there was no way in hell an ambulance was coming to get me. I called 9-1-1 anyway and the conversation went something like this:

Operator: What's your emergency?
Me: I'm almost 41 weeks pregnant and just lost my vision. My dr.'s office told me to call 9-1-1 to get an ambulance to take me to the nearest hospital.
Operator: Where are you?
Me: ...gave her the location...
Operator: We don't have any ambulances in the area. You should drive to the nearest hospital.

Duh. I had my dad turn around because the nearest hospital was in Grosse Pointe. Most of the time this was all going on I had my eyes closed because I was freaked out and I was feeling a little sick. After my dad turned around I opened my eyes and lo and behold, I was getting my vision back! Hallelujah!

I told my dad to turn around again so he could drive me to the hospital where I planned on delivering. I called my dr.'s office back and spoke to the nurse.
Me: Yeah I called 9-1-1 and they don't have any ambulances and my vision is actually getting better so I'm just gonna have my dad take me to the hospital.
Nurse: I told you to call 9-1-1, you need an ambulance.
Me: I know. And I told you this is Detroit and an ambulance wouldn't be coming for me.
Nurse: Well okay you need to go straight to the hospital and you need to file a complaint with the city.
Me: Yeah. I work for the city. I'll be doing that.

We made it to the hospital. I was terrified, excited, pissed, but mostly just happy to be at the hospital where they would be able to tell me why I lost my vision and help me if something was really wrong. I checked in and after about 5 minutes, I was taken back to triage.

That's when the fun really began...

not so quick to laugh at "your mom" jokes anymore.

Hello everyone! I had a baby!! I am working on a post telling you all about it. All the gory, gory details. I will tell you things that you wish you didn't know. Things that will be burned into your brain forever. The next time you see me you won't be able to look me in the eye.*

Until then, I leave you with this photo of Henry, the most perfect baby I have ever known.



*Don't worry, I'm mostly kidding about telling you the nasty parts of the story. Unfortunately, there aren't very many lovely parts so if I left out all the nasty parts, it'd be a pretty short story.

thanks, mom.

Yesterday morning I rolled out of bed and waddled downstairs to find my parents making me breakfast. I announced I would be calling in fat and working from home. My mom agreed that was a good idea and explained, "you are enormous." And then she lovingly placed bacon on my plate.

39 weeks.

I am still pregnant. I am very ready to not be pregnant anymore. Last week I had some pretty strong contractions and I freaked out because I got scared and all the other feelings that come with giving birth for the first time and parenting for the first time and single parenting for the first time. Last night I woke up with some sharp pains and was so excited because well, bring it. But no, I'm still pregnant.

Last week was pretty long because I had a nasty cold. I missed a lot of work and spent much of the week laying around feeling sorry for myself and blowing my nose and trying to sleep but not having much success. It has actually been fun having my parents here, they take really good care of me and they make me laugh. And they cook and clean and do laundry and buy me shit.

Hopefully the next time I write something here it will be about how I'm exhausted because I have a son. Or about how drunk I am because I enjoyed 12 vodka tonics. Yup. I'm ready!!

pootie tang.

I love this movie. Seriously. I think I might need to convince Jesse to name our son Pootie Tang. Now I just gotta find the belt. I suppose it doesn't come in newborn and/or 0-3 month size...

Today I get two new roommates! A couple weeks ago I would not have been so excited about the roomies but today, I cannot wait for them to get here. I should be cleaning up and getting ready for them but I did the dishes and got contractions so I'm sitting here watching Pootie Tang and resting. Sa da tay... My mom said they are coming to help me clean and cook so I shouldn't clean and cook before they get here. I guess I have to listen to mom!

I had a long week at work even though I ended up staying home on Thursday. Sleeping is getting more and more difficult as Pootie Tang is constantly headbutting and/or punching my bladder. Now I think I'm getting a cold so that's fun. Actually, I think I've been pretty lucky this whole pregnancy as far as avoiding colds and other illness, besides morning sickness. It just sucks that I'm almost done being pregnant and am huge and tired and uncomfortable and now I get sick?! I suppose it was unavoidable considering the amount of stress I've been under and the change in the weather and all the people I come in contact with at work and at baby showers and stuff.

Time to get back to Pootie Tang, big glass of orange juice, chicken noodle soup, and another big glass of water.

37 weeks.

I had my weekly dr. appointment yesterday. Everything still looks good. I gained a couple pounds and my blood pressure is still very normal. It took forever to get Optimus Prime's heartbeat rate because he had the hiccups and they kept messing with the monitor. Finally got the reading and it was 139 which is lower than it usually is but still in the normal range. The dr. said Optimus Prime hasn't dropped yet so he didn't check to see if I'm dilated. Guess that fun will start at next week's appointment.

Today was a long day of meetings at work. Optimus Prime was super busy all day which made me super uncomfortable. I hope he was busy dropping and getting ready to move out of my uterus. My belly is stretched to the limit, my back hurts, I can't sleep for more than a couple hours at a time, I can't get comfortable in any position, I pee twenty million times a day, blah blah blah. I don't care how not ready I am to be a mom. Today I am more ready to not be pregnant anymore.

Don and Bev are moving in on Saturday to help me with stuff around the house and so I won't be alone when I go into labor. At first I wasn't sure I wanted them to come stay with me because let's face it, I like my space. But now I'm ready for them to be here. Every day I am more exhausted after work and right now it is 8:30 p.m. and instead of doing the dishes or other shit around the house, I'm ready for bed. I'm so grateful they'll be here to help me pack and cook and clean and get last minute stuff ready. And it's my house so that means I have control over the remote control, right?

i'm clean.

No. More. Showers. Whew!!

Optimus Prime is due in 3 weeks. Some days I am ready to serve him an eviction notice. Then the Braxton Hicks contractions start getting stronger and stronger and I freak out and beg him to stay in there for at least 2 more weeks.

I had a diaper shower at work on Friday. It was awesome and my co-workers/friends are amazing and generous and so much fun. I don't think I'll need to buy diapers for a very long time!

Yesterday was my family shower and there were lots of people and lots of good food and lots of fun and lots of laughs and lots of gifts and just a really long day. This morning my niece and I put stuff together, like the stroller/car seat, the baby swing, and the mobile for the crib. It was really fun and she is so excited to meet her cousin, even though he is a boy. At one point he was kicking my rib and I could feel his foot. She came over and we grabbed his foot and she could feel him squirming around. I thought she might be creeped out by it but she kept her hand there and said it was really cool.

This has been the most difficult time of my life. It breaks my heart that instead of being excited and putting away baby stuff and happy anticipation, I am angry and sad. Instead of bringing my baby home, I'm moving out of my home. Instead of sharing this time with my husband, I'm sharing it with my parents and my sisters/brothers and other family members. Instead of planning family outings, we're planning our divorce. I didn't have a choice in any of this, it was all dropped in my lap. Wait, I did have one choice. I decided from the get-go that I will always do the best I can for my son. It's not about me anymore. It's not about my husband anymore. It's not about my relationship with my husband. It's about this little baby in my uterus that is headbutting my bladder as I write this. Someday I'm gonna get to tell him about this crazy time and all the baby showers and all the people that love me and love him and it's not gonna seem so bad. I can make that choice, too.

almost 36 weeks.

It seems like everything is such hard work lately, especially this blogging thing. And this growing a fetus thing. The good news is that I appear to be much better at growing a fetus than I am at blogging on a regular basis. Optimus Prime is growing every day which means I am growing every day. I still don't understand why my thighs and ass have to be growing so much. It's just so wrong. In the past couple weeks several people at work, mostly dudes, have asked me when the baby is due and said they thought I was pregnant but didn't want to say anything until they were sure. Apparently they are now sure. Translation: I. Am. Huge.

Anyway, Optimus Prime...the dr. said he is amazed at how well I am doing considering the amount of stress I have been under. Optimus Prime's head is down and he enjoys stretching his legs so his feet either stick out my right side or kick the shit out of my ribs. His favorite song appears to be Gay Bar by the Electric Six. Seriously, everytime I play that song he goes apeshit and when the song is over, he stops. It cracks me up and I'm so grateful he already has good taste in music.

Speaking of music, I'm currently working on a "release the kraken" playlist for when I'm in labor. If you have any suggestions, please leave a comment or email me.

It was a busy week at work and I've had a kick ass weekend. Today I got to see two of my favorite people and it was awesome. I haven't seen them in a couple months and I didn't think I would get to see them until Thanksgiving. It was great to talk and laugh and they even said nice things about how good I look. Yes, I know I'm obsessed with how big I'm getting and the weight gain. What can I say? I feel gross and unattractive and it's no wonder my husband left me for greener pastures. So yeah...I have issues...cut me some slack.

I think that's all I have to report for now. I'm actually glad the Tigers didn't make it to the post-season because getting to games would be really difficult. Okay that's a lie. I'm not glad at all. Wouldn't it have been crazy if they made it to post season the year we got married AND the year our marriage ended? Wait! There's still hope. The divorce won't be final until next year.

Go Tigs!

baby steps.

I'm having good days, not so good days, and downright bad days. The past few days I have had all three. Lucky me!

Good day:
Saturday was my second baby shower. It was mostly friends from work with some other Detroiters thrown in the mix. So. Much. Fun. Everything about it was just lovely, the food and the people and the visiting and the laughter and the generous gifts. And it was another reminder that hey, I might be a good person after all and people do love me!

Not so good day:
Yesterday I was pretty tired because I haven't been sleeping well and I just didn't feel very good. I thought maybe it was because I ate cake for breakfast but the pukey feeling lasted most of the day, even after I ate more healthy food and drank lots of water and tried to get some rest. I think I probably didn't get enough to eat but it's really hard to eat when feeling pukey! Then last night, because I was so tired and not feeling well, I got crazy emotional about stuff and the more I cry, the more Braxton Hicks contractions I get. The more contractions, the more scared I get. The more scared I get, the more alone I feel. The more alone I feel, the more I cry. Yeah it was a long night... I was mostly sad about how this is the one time I'm going to have a kid. I feel like I should be enjoying this. This should be a really exciting and happy time. I should be going through baby gifts and putting them in his nursery and getting everything ready. I will never get to experience any of that because I'm too busy dealing with all this loss and with packing my stuff and with just trying to get through this.

Downright bad day:
I was supposed to go to a meeting for work this morning but I just couldn't get out of bed. I ended up calling the dr. this morning because I was worried about continuing to have these damn Braxton Hicks contractions. His office called back and said I need to take it easy today and if they continue, I need to come in and they mentioned that bed rest might be an option. Um. No. I don't think so. I ended up going back to sleep and didn't wake up until 11 a.m. Wowza, I must have been exhausted because I haven't slept that late since probably the first trimester. So I know I got rest but I still feel tired and just really sad. I'm trying to take it easy because like I said, bed rest is not an option. I decided to not go to the Tigers game tonight, I mean, I know it's not like they are in a pennant race or anything and the game probably won't be too exciting, but it's probably better for me to lay low, at least for today. Braxton Hicks contractions have stopped, Prime has had a busy morning so that makes me feel better that he seems to be okay. I'm sitting here looking around my house at all the baby gifts and clutter and shit that is everywhere (not really shit, but junk) and it is overwhelming and I just want to go to sleep and wake up in 6 weeks with my son in my arms and have all of this magically taken care of. I think I need more cake.

I really am getting better every day. Unfortunately, I'm also getting fatter and more overwhelmed. I know these last few weeks are going to fly by and I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just get shit done. Let's hope that can wait until tomorrow. Today I need to take care of Optimus Prime by laying around, crying if I need to, and drinking lots and lots of water. Yup. Baby steps.

things i didn't expect about pregnancy...

• My ass and thighs have grown a ton. I am not carrying the fetus in my ass and thighs. Why have they grown a ton?
  
• Everyone, and I pretty much do mean everyone, has an opinion about how big I am vs. how big I should be. General consensus: I'm a bad mom and need to eat more. The good thing is that my dr. does not think I need to eat more, he says I'm doing just fine. Suck it, people!
• Carpal tunnel syndrome. Holy pain in my hands and wrists. I've had issues with my right wrist for a while since it's my mouse wrist. But for the past few weeks, my left wrist and hand have hurt so badly I can hardly stand it. I now have lovely wrist braces that I wear at night and they seem to be helping a bit.
  
• Old wives tales crack me up. Two of my favorites: (1) do not lift your arms above your head because the cord will wrap around the baby's neck. (2) do not let anyone ugly touch your belly or your baby will be ugly. The most useful: a spoonful of mustard will help with nausea.
• Blogging about pregnancy. I didn't even like to talk about it for the first 6 months and now here I am writing about it. Is this really my life???
  

33.5 weeks

I think that even though I had a pretty rough first trimester and the last few weeks were the most difficult time of my life, I've had a pretty smooth pregnancy. The stress of Jesse leaving me had a pretty negative impact on my health, physical and emotional, duh, but I'm very happy to say that Optimus Prime appears to be doing well. He's grown a ton in the past month and so has my belly. Finally! I have gained back the weight that I lost when this all happened. I am getting about 6 hours of sleep most nights. And again, my belly is huge and I swear it gets bigger every day. It's getting more and more difficult to pack my stuff because I'm so tired and I just can't move around like I could even a week ago. I realized it's pretty hard on me emotionally as well so I avoid, avoid, avoid. I've always been good at procrastinating but I feel like I've outdone myself on this one. So much to do, so little time. I decided that I can't beat myself up about it and will continue to do a teeny tiny bit at a time if that's all I can do. I think I have spent the past 4, almost 5, weeks beating myself up wondering where I went wrong, why didn't I see this coming, apologizing to Optimus Prime, trying to understand what just happened. I'm okay with cutting me some slack if I need to take some time to pack up and move from the only life and home I've known for the past 7 years.

i wasn't kidding.

I know when I posted yesterday you thought it was some kind of fluke. No way, I'm back.

So here's a short and sweet update of what is going on in my life...

February 2010: peed on a stick, it read "pregnant." Much excitement, joy, terror (not to be confused with terrorism), etc. Decided to call the embryo Optimus Prime.
March 2010: went to spring training. Ate until I was sick. Slept like I was knocked up. Spent much of the month feeling like I was going to puke, and/or puking.
April/May 2010: successful 1st trimester, went public with pregnancy. Puked and puked and puked.
June 2010: at the end of May, Jesse moved to DC for his 10 week summer associate position at a law firm. Much apprehension about being home alone and pregnant for the summer. He was able to make it home for all my doctor appointments. I visited him in DC. Stopped puking! Found out Optimus Prime is a boy!
July 2010: a long month without seeing Jesse. He was too busy to travel, I was too pregnant and just didn't have the energy. I drove to DC to bring him home on July 31. I was so excited to have him home so we could prepare for the arrival of Optimus Prime. I missed Jesse so much.
August 2010: we took a little road trip through Pennsylvania to celebrate our 4th anniversary (July 29). A couple weeks after we got home, Jesse left me.
September 2010: I'm alive, Optimus Prime is alive.

So that's it! I'm not going to go into dirty details of what happened to my failed marriage. Mostly because it's none of your business and also because truthfully, at this point, your guess is as good as mine. What I will tell you is that I had no idea we didn't have a happy family until he told me. I can also tell you that I have done my best to handle this situation as a mature adult who is going to be a mother very soon. Instead of focusing on what Jesse did and continues to do, I have tried to focus on moving forward and doing what is best for me and my son. Some days I have been successful, others not so much.

Of course I could not have gotten through this without the love and support of my family and friends. Seriously. Some days I cry because of the hurt and anger and fear. Some days I cry because I can't believe how many people really love me and really do care about me and Optimus Prime. It's overwhelming and beautiful and amazing.

I am terrified about being a single mom, but at the same time, I know I won't be "single," I'll just be "without Jesse." And even then, he will be involved in his son's life and I suppose that means he'll be involved in mine. For some reason that doesn't make me feel much better.

Someday I am going to look back on this and will hopefully be proud of the way I handled the situation. Someday Optimus Prime will know how much his mama loves him and only wants what is best for him. Someday I will stop wondering how I could have fallen in love with and made a baby with someone capable of such disgusting behavior.

I hope someday comes soon.

and.... i'm back!

It's almost been a year since my last post and I'm pretty sure the last post wasn't really a post and might have just been some photos?

As you may or may not know, my life is drastically different than it was 4 weeks ago, let alone almost a year ago. I won't update you right now because I'm at work and should actually be doing work. Last night I decided that this would be a good way to keep people, former in-laws for example, informed on what's going on with me and Optimus Prime AKA my fetus. And once he's here, hopefully I will have time to post with updates on Optimus Prime AKA my kid. Don't worry, he'll have a real name by then.

Posting more often will also be a great way to procrastinate when I should be doing other things like say, packing and moving out of my house. You know, little things like that.

Anyway, if anyone is still reading, hello, my friend, hello.

Does anyone else hear Neil Diamond in their head?? Oh shit, that better not be cousinsethy...