baby steps.

I'm having good days, not so good days, and downright bad days. The past few days I have had all three. Lucky me!

Good day:
Saturday was my second baby shower. It was mostly friends from work with some other Detroiters thrown in the mix. So. Much. Fun. Everything about it was just lovely, the food and the people and the visiting and the laughter and the generous gifts. And it was another reminder that hey, I might be a good person after all and people do love me!

Not so good day:
Yesterday I was pretty tired because I haven't been sleeping well and I just didn't feel very good. I thought maybe it was because I ate cake for breakfast but the pukey feeling lasted most of the day, even after I ate more healthy food and drank lots of water and tried to get some rest. I think I probably didn't get enough to eat but it's really hard to eat when feeling pukey! Then last night, because I was so tired and not feeling well, I got crazy emotional about stuff and the more I cry, the more Braxton Hicks contractions I get. The more contractions, the more scared I get. The more scared I get, the more alone I feel. The more alone I feel, the more I cry. Yeah it was a long night... I was mostly sad about how this is the one time I'm going to have a kid. I feel like I should be enjoying this. This should be a really exciting and happy time. I should be going through baby gifts and putting them in his nursery and getting everything ready. I will never get to experience any of that because I'm too busy dealing with all this loss and with packing my stuff and with just trying to get through this.

Downright bad day:
I was supposed to go to a meeting for work this morning but I just couldn't get out of bed. I ended up calling the dr. this morning because I was worried about continuing to have these damn Braxton Hicks contractions. His office called back and said I need to take it easy today and if they continue, I need to come in and they mentioned that bed rest might be an option. Um. No. I don't think so. I ended up going back to sleep and didn't wake up until 11 a.m. Wowza, I must have been exhausted because I haven't slept that late since probably the first trimester. So I know I got rest but I still feel tired and just really sad. I'm trying to take it easy because like I said, bed rest is not an option. I decided to not go to the Tigers game tonight, I mean, I know it's not like they are in a pennant race or anything and the game probably won't be too exciting, but it's probably better for me to lay low, at least for today. Braxton Hicks contractions have stopped, Prime has had a busy morning so that makes me feel better that he seems to be okay. I'm sitting here looking around my house at all the baby gifts and clutter and shit that is everywhere (not really shit, but junk) and it is overwhelming and I just want to go to sleep and wake up in 6 weeks with my son in my arms and have all of this magically taken care of. I think I need more cake.

I really am getting better every day. Unfortunately, I'm also getting fatter and more overwhelmed. I know these last few weeks are going to fly by and I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just get shit done. Let's hope that can wait until tomorrow. Today I need to take care of Optimus Prime by laying around, crying if I need to, and drinking lots and lots of water. Yup. Baby steps.

things i didn't expect about pregnancy...

• My ass and thighs have grown a ton. I am not carrying the fetus in my ass and thighs. Why have they grown a ton?
  
• Everyone, and I pretty much do mean everyone, has an opinion about how big I am vs. how big I should be. General consensus: I'm a bad mom and need to eat more. The good thing is that my dr. does not think I need to eat more, he says I'm doing just fine. Suck it, people!
• Carpal tunnel syndrome. Holy pain in my hands and wrists. I've had issues with my right wrist for a while since it's my mouse wrist. But for the past few weeks, my left wrist and hand have hurt so badly I can hardly stand it. I now have lovely wrist braces that I wear at night and they seem to be helping a bit.
  
• Old wives tales crack me up. Two of my favorites: (1) do not lift your arms above your head because the cord will wrap around the baby's neck. (2) do not let anyone ugly touch your belly or your baby will be ugly. The most useful: a spoonful of mustard will help with nausea.
• Blogging about pregnancy. I didn't even like to talk about it for the first 6 months and now here I am writing about it. Is this really my life???
  

33.5 weeks

I think that even though I had a pretty rough first trimester and the last few weeks were the most difficult time of my life, I've had a pretty smooth pregnancy. The stress of Jesse leaving me had a pretty negative impact on my health, physical and emotional, duh, but I'm very happy to say that Optimus Prime appears to be doing well. He's grown a ton in the past month and so has my belly. Finally! I have gained back the weight that I lost when this all happened. I am getting about 6 hours of sleep most nights. And again, my belly is huge and I swear it gets bigger every day. It's getting more and more difficult to pack my stuff because I'm so tired and I just can't move around like I could even a week ago. I realized it's pretty hard on me emotionally as well so I avoid, avoid, avoid. I've always been good at procrastinating but I feel like I've outdone myself on this one. So much to do, so little time. I decided that I can't beat myself up about it and will continue to do a teeny tiny bit at a time if that's all I can do. I think I have spent the past 4, almost 5, weeks beating myself up wondering where I went wrong, why didn't I see this coming, apologizing to Optimus Prime, trying to understand what just happened. I'm okay with cutting me some slack if I need to take some time to pack up and move from the only life and home I've known for the past 7 years.

i wasn't kidding.

I know when I posted yesterday you thought it was some kind of fluke. No way, I'm back.

So here's a short and sweet update of what is going on in my life...

February 2010: peed on a stick, it read "pregnant." Much excitement, joy, terror (not to be confused with terrorism), etc. Decided to call the embryo Optimus Prime.
March 2010: went to spring training. Ate until I was sick. Slept like I was knocked up. Spent much of the month feeling like I was going to puke, and/or puking.
April/May 2010: successful 1st trimester, went public with pregnancy. Puked and puked and puked.
June 2010: at the end of May, Jesse moved to DC for his 10 week summer associate position at a law firm. Much apprehension about being home alone and pregnant for the summer. He was able to make it home for all my doctor appointments. I visited him in DC. Stopped puking! Found out Optimus Prime is a boy!
July 2010: a long month without seeing Jesse. He was too busy to travel, I was too pregnant and just didn't have the energy. I drove to DC to bring him home on July 31. I was so excited to have him home so we could prepare for the arrival of Optimus Prime. I missed Jesse so much.
August 2010: we took a little road trip through Pennsylvania to celebrate our 4th anniversary (July 29). A couple weeks after we got home, Jesse left me.
September 2010: I'm alive, Optimus Prime is alive.

So that's it! I'm not going to go into dirty details of what happened to my failed marriage. Mostly because it's none of your business and also because truthfully, at this point, your guess is as good as mine. What I will tell you is that I had no idea we didn't have a happy family until he told me. I can also tell you that I have done my best to handle this situation as a mature adult who is going to be a mother very soon. Instead of focusing on what Jesse did and continues to do, I have tried to focus on moving forward and doing what is best for me and my son. Some days I have been successful, others not so much.

Of course I could not have gotten through this without the love and support of my family and friends. Seriously. Some days I cry because of the hurt and anger and fear. Some days I cry because I can't believe how many people really love me and really do care about me and Optimus Prime. It's overwhelming and beautiful and amazing.

I am terrified about being a single mom, but at the same time, I know I won't be "single," I'll just be "without Jesse." And even then, he will be involved in his son's life and I suppose that means he'll be involved in mine. For some reason that doesn't make me feel much better.

Someday I am going to look back on this and will hopefully be proud of the way I handled the situation. Someday Optimus Prime will know how much his mama loves him and only wants what is best for him. Someday I will stop wondering how I could have fallen in love with and made a baby with someone capable of such disgusting behavior.

I hope someday comes soon.

and.... i'm back!

It's almost been a year since my last post and I'm pretty sure the last post wasn't really a post and might have just been some photos?

As you may or may not know, my life is drastically different than it was 4 weeks ago, let alone almost a year ago. I won't update you right now because I'm at work and should actually be doing work. Last night I decided that this would be a good way to keep people, former in-laws for example, informed on what's going on with me and Optimus Prime AKA my fetus. And once he's here, hopefully I will have time to post with updates on Optimus Prime AKA my kid. Don't worry, he'll have a real name by then.

Posting more often will also be a great way to procrastinate when I should be doing other things like say, packing and moving out of my house. You know, little things like that.

Anyway, if anyone is still reading, hello, my friend, hello.

Does anyone else hear Neil Diamond in their head?? Oh shit, that better not be cousinsethy...