baby steps.

I'm having good days, not so good days, and downright bad days. The past few days I have had all three. Lucky me!

Good day:
Saturday was my second baby shower. It was mostly friends from work with some other Detroiters thrown in the mix. So. Much. Fun. Everything about it was just lovely, the food and the people and the visiting and the laughter and the generous gifts. And it was another reminder that hey, I might be a good person after all and people do love me!

Not so good day:
Yesterday I was pretty tired because I haven't been sleeping well and I just didn't feel very good. I thought maybe it was because I ate cake for breakfast but the pukey feeling lasted most of the day, even after I ate more healthy food and drank lots of water and tried to get some rest. I think I probably didn't get enough to eat but it's really hard to eat when feeling pukey! Then last night, because I was so tired and not feeling well, I got crazy emotional about stuff and the more I cry, the more Braxton Hicks contractions I get. The more contractions, the more scared I get. The more scared I get, the more alone I feel. The more alone I feel, the more I cry. Yeah it was a long night... I was mostly sad about how this is the one time I'm going to have a kid. I feel like I should be enjoying this. This should be a really exciting and happy time. I should be going through baby gifts and putting them in his nursery and getting everything ready. I will never get to experience any of that because I'm too busy dealing with all this loss and with packing my stuff and with just trying to get through this.

Downright bad day:
I was supposed to go to a meeting for work this morning but I just couldn't get out of bed. I ended up calling the dr. this morning because I was worried about continuing to have these damn Braxton Hicks contractions. His office called back and said I need to take it easy today and if they continue, I need to come in and they mentioned that bed rest might be an option. Um. No. I don't think so. I ended up going back to sleep and didn't wake up until 11 a.m. Wowza, I must have been exhausted because I haven't slept that late since probably the first trimester. So I know I got rest but I still feel tired and just really sad. I'm trying to take it easy because like I said, bed rest is not an option. I decided to not go to the Tigers game tonight, I mean, I know it's not like they are in a pennant race or anything and the game probably won't be too exciting, but it's probably better for me to lay low, at least for today. Braxton Hicks contractions have stopped, Prime has had a busy morning so that makes me feel better that he seems to be okay. I'm sitting here looking around my house at all the baby gifts and clutter and shit that is everywhere (not really shit, but junk) and it is overwhelming and I just want to go to sleep and wake up in 6 weeks with my son in my arms and have all of this magically taken care of. I think I need more cake.

I really am getting better every day. Unfortunately, I'm also getting fatter and more overwhelmed. I know these last few weeks are going to fly by and I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just get shit done. Let's hope that can wait until tomorrow. Today I need to take care of Optimus Prime by laying around, crying if I need to, and drinking lots and lots of water. Yup. Baby steps.