i'm clean.

No. More. Showers. Whew!!

Optimus Prime is due in 3 weeks. Some days I am ready to serve him an eviction notice. Then the Braxton Hicks contractions start getting stronger and stronger and I freak out and beg him to stay in there for at least 2 more weeks.

I had a diaper shower at work on Friday. It was awesome and my co-workers/friends are amazing and generous and so much fun. I don't think I'll need to buy diapers for a very long time!

Yesterday was my family shower and there were lots of people and lots of good food and lots of fun and lots of laughs and lots of gifts and just a really long day. This morning my niece and I put stuff together, like the stroller/car seat, the baby swing, and the mobile for the crib. It was really fun and she is so excited to meet her cousin, even though he is a boy. At one point he was kicking my rib and I could feel his foot. She came over and we grabbed his foot and she could feel him squirming around. I thought she might be creeped out by it but she kept her hand there and said it was really cool.

This has been the most difficult time of my life. It breaks my heart that instead of being excited and putting away baby stuff and happy anticipation, I am angry and sad. Instead of bringing my baby home, I'm moving out of my home. Instead of sharing this time with my husband, I'm sharing it with my parents and my sisters/brothers and other family members. Instead of planning family outings, we're planning our divorce. I didn't have a choice in any of this, it was all dropped in my lap. Wait, I did have one choice. I decided from the get-go that I will always do the best I can for my son. It's not about me anymore. It's not about my husband anymore. It's not about my relationship with my husband. It's about this little baby in my uterus that is headbutting my bladder as I write this. Someday I'm gonna get to tell him about this crazy time and all the baby showers and all the people that love me and love him and it's not gonna seem so bad. I can make that choice, too.