sigh.

I'm planning a little get together for Henry's birthday on Saturday.  I am so excited to celebrate the first year of Henry's life and I know he is going to have a blast with his friends and family.  What I didn't expect was that it would bring up so much stuff for me.  So much has happened in the past year.  So much good and unfortunately, so much bad.  Most days I can focus on the good because it is really damn good.  I still have moments where my breath catches in the back of my throat because I still can't believe this is my life. 

The first year is obviously full of firsts.  Most of these firsts that Henry and I have experienced together have been amazing and thrilling and terrifying, all at the same time.  Some of them have been laced with sadness and while I put on a happy face for Henry and those around us, I'm dying inside.  This isn't how it was supposed to be.  And then I feel bad for feeling that way because truthfully it has been really fucking good, so what do I have to complain about?   

Nothing.  Everything.  I've decided that life is like that.  I am not in a place where I can say I'm glad this happened and that it's how things were supposed to be.  But I can happily say that I have done the best with what I was given and the sad moments occur less and less as time goes by.  I also feel like getting through his first year with flying colors has given me confidence and hope and faith for the future.  And really, all that matters is that Henry is happy.  He is healthy.  His cuteness is not a fucking joke.  He is everything to me and I would do this all again to get to spend one moment in his presence.  Well, maybe not all of it... 

Anyway...
 
Now I just hope I can get everything on my party planning list done before Saturday afternoon.  I'll be sure to post photos of Henry eating his first cake!  Yummmmm....