i know so many library science majors who are very disappointed in me.

I've been checking out books at the library lately and it's been a good thing.  I'm still reading New Yorkers from July, no!  August!!  but I've wanted to start Henry on good library etiquette at an early age. 

Here's the thing.  I suck at libraries. 

Wait. 

I suck at deadlines. 

And libraries have these things they like to call, "due dates."  I am a procrastinator by trade so I always wait until the last minute to read the book and then I wait until I get the email telling me my book is late and then I go online to renew the loan and then I get really pissed when someone else placed a hold on my book and I can't renew it and I'm only on page 150 of the 900 page book. 

The really bad part is that my local library does not have late fees.  This is good because I can still afford to read books.  This is bad because I'm probably going to be the reason they enact late fees when they make their budget for 2012.  Maybe if the library threatened my credit score I would read the book on time? 

The last couple times I took Henry to the library we had to leave because he thought he could enjoy the library like he enjoys his bookshelf at home.  I have a feeling the only thing I'm teaching Henry is how to get banned from his local library.

things i don't understand. today.

Why is it that different brands of string cheese are different?  I believe string cheese should be string cheese.  Are you listening, Kroger?  Your string cheese sucks.

How is it that I can go through most of my life feeling confident and able to raise my son and then I think of one person and feel worthless?  I'm pretty sure I'm not able to take care of myself, let alone raise my son on my own.  I can't even buy the right string cheese.

Why does Henry think it's hilarious when I throw his stuffed animals on the floor?  Will his little friend that was here yesterday ever want to come back after witnessing this act of hilarity and not understanding it? 

Where do all the babysitters go around Christmas?  I just need one.  That's all.  Just one. 

my favorite thing.

Sometimes when Henry is playing he will stop, crawl/walk over to me and give me a big cuddle and kiss, laugh and then go back to playing as if nothing ever happened.

Best thing ever.

livin' on the edge.

But not in an Aerosmith kind of way.

In an, "I'm so tired and stressed and alone (as in single parent) and wound up that one more teeny tiny thing will make me lose my shit and it will not be pretty" kind of way. 

Seriously.  If anyone is listening, please, for the love of all that might be holy, cut me a fucking break.

Also, if anyone is listening, please, I don't want anyone else to die.

a beautiful way to start the day.

I'm not a big John Denver fan but this song has become my morning prayer. 



My friend is sick and last night she survived surgery that will give her weeks, maybe months, to live as opposed to days.  She re-introduced me to this song and every time I listen I am reminded that I have much to be grateful for and I give thanks. 

All this joy, indeed. 

i can't sleep because my son is adorable.

Every day I am amazed at what Henry understands.  Like a few weeks ago when my friend was visiting and I asked Henry if he wanted to show her his bird book and he immediately crawled over to his bird book. 

Or lately I ask Henry if he's hungry and he walks/crawls over to his chair.  I have to be careful about this one because he'll always say he's hungry, even if he ate a few minutes ago. 

Or this evening I mentioned he might get a bath and he got this huge smile on his face and took off for the bathroom.  I wasn't sure I wanted to give him a bath tonight because I was exhausted and it can be a lot of work but after seeing how happy he was, I had to do it!  Then as the bathtub was filling up, he totally tried to take his clothes off but that didn't work very well and he just got stuck.  But he was still happy because he knew he would be playing in the water soon. 

Or when he does stuff just to make himself laugh.  I love that the most.  He thinks it's hilarious to turn off the music on one of his toys.  He practically begs me to turn it on so I do and then he immediately turns it off and screams with laughter.  The more surprised I am the harder he laughs. 

Tonight I can't sleep because I'm thinking about all the wonderful things Henry is doing and the little boy he is turning into and oh yeah, he's snoring super loudly and I'm considering turning off the monitor but his snoring is really adorable so instead I'm listening to it and laughing.

I am the luckiest woman in the world.

parades are exhausting. or not.

Henry has been sucking at taking naps in the afternoon lately.  Wait.  I take that back.  If I lay down with him, he's all about taking a nap.  Who has time to take a nap with their kid every afternoon?  Seriously.  I wish I had that kind of time.  Anyway, he's feeling a little better today, not as snotty and he doesn't have a black eye like I thought he would (that's another story for another post) so I decided we'd get a start on our Christmas shopping this afternoon. 

We went to the mall and I'm pretty sure Henry thought we were a one float parade.  And his stroller was the one float.  He waved at EVERYONE.  It was hysterical and I couldn't stop laughing.  At one point he wasn't waving at anyone, just waving.  I started calling him Miss America and he didn't even care.  Then I realized duh, he's exhausted.  I knew he wasn't going to get any sleep at the mall so I decided to cut the trip short and head home.  He was so tired he fell asleep while I put his coat on him.  It was pathetic and adorable.  He woke up when I put him in the car and stayed awake for the ride home.  I was okay with that because sometimes he falls asleep in the car for 5 minutes and thinks that is a good enough nap.  So we just got home and he was all cuddly and snuggly and I changed his diaper and sang him his lullabies and laid him down in his crib and he's been jumping up and down and singing ever since. 

Seriously. 

Maybe I should go put his coat on him and he'll fall back asleep? 

overheard in a kitchen today...

niece:  what are you looking for?
grandma:  an ice pack.
niece:  a what? 
grandma:  an ice pack for boobies.  I mean boo boos.  Not boobies.  No.  That would be ... I don't know what that would be.  Boo boos.  Boo boos.
niece:  oh.  I don't think we have one of those. 

and tired.

Today started out great.  Henry stayed in bed and relatively happy until 6 a.m.  We had a lovely breakfast of waffles and cottage cheese and peaches.  Somewhere along the way we got sidetracked and he got snottier and crabbier and I got snottier and crabbier and pretty soon we were both miserable.  You know the kid feels like shit when he finds the saline and tries to shoot it up his nose on his own.  It was adorable and pathetic all at the same time. 

He wanted to go to bed at 5 tonight.  He can't talk yet but I knew he was telling me he was ready when he reached through the slats of his crib, pulled out his blankie, and laid down on the floor with it.  Again with the adorable and pathetic!  He has only gotten up once since then and it was relatively easy to get him back to sleep.  I'm hoping for a good night for both of us.  My back is killing me where I got that stupid, useless epidural.  It burns so badly I can hardly sit up.  Picking him up out of his crib damn near killed me. 

We were supposed to go visit his cousins tomorrow but I am pretty sure we'll remain quarantined at home.  Hopefully I can come up with some fun stuff to do so we don't get too bored.  I'm really hoping for a miracle and I'll wake up to a happy healthy kid and find that I too am happy and healthy. 

sick.

Henry finally got over his cold at the end of last week.  After several nights of sitting up with him and worrying about him and watching him, I was so happy we were both able to get some rest. 

He came home from visiting with his dad yesterday and was snotty again.  He's sick.  Again. 

I feel so bad for him, he can barely breathe out of his adorable little nose.  He can't sleep because he wants that goddamn pacifier and he can't breathe with it in his mouth so he spits it out and then he wakes up because he wants it again.  His pediatrician stopped by tonight for unrelated business but she checked in on him and gave me some suggestions to make him more comfortable. 

He'll be fine.  I will stay awake for the rest of my life to make sure he's fine. 

I just hope I make it through this without losing my mind.  Stuck at home again with a sick kid and no sleep... I guess this is what parenting is all about.  The good is oh so good and the bad, well, I'll tell myself it isn't so bad and eventually I'll believe it.

He is more than worth it.