sad happy. happy sad.

Today I had lunch with some very close friends and their young daughter.  Henry didn't join us, he was busy sleeping.  Must be nice.  Anyway, I had a blast and we laughed and talked and played and it was wonderful.  And it made me really really sad because today I realized that I don't have any close friends in Lansing.  Shit, I barely have friends in Lansing.  I would give anything to have friends like this to hang out with on a regular basis.  Logistically, this would most likely not happen very much anyway since Henry goes to bed at 7 which makes socializing difficult, especially when he isn't with me every other weekend.  But the idea of having close friends with kids close by makes my heart ache. 

Instead, I struggle to have the confidence to meet new people.  I am embarrassed that they might find out I am living with my parents and I shudder to think they will find out why.  Things that I find hilarious and make me feel happy and funny, other moms find offensive and weird.  This is the one thing I feel hasn't changed since having Henry.  I still find really inappropriate shit really funny.  Apparently this isn't okay with other mothers.

When I do get to see my friends, I still get tinges of sadness and jealousy watching them with their children.  I don't have any single parent friends.  I thought I would be able to connect with other single mothers but I quickly realized that most of them are busy working and aren't as lucky as me to get to be a stay-at-home mom.  Instead, I hang out with all the married moms whose husbands are at work.  These feelings of sadness and jealousy definitely don't keep me from hanging out with my friends as much as possible.  It just means a lot of planning and a lot of driving.

I know I shouldn't complain because I have amazing people in my life.  My friends stood by me and up for me and around me during the most difficult time of my life and made sure I was safe and healthy and felt loved.  Truthfully, these are things that I don't really think about all that often.  Just every once in a while.  And definitely after such a wonderful afternoon with friends that I miss so much and rarely get to enjoy.