so about that snow day.

I should know better than to get too excited about things working out smoothly in my life.  Mid-morning on that non-snow-day I got a call from Henry's teacher.  He was crying more than usual about wanting me and when she hugged him to make him feel better, he felt a little warm so she took his temperature and it was elevated a little bit.  Because he wasn't his usual self, she thought he wasn't feeling well and I should pick him up.  Yeah.  Remember not having a back up plan?  And I had a million things to do at my new job?  And I had already missed time at my new job because I had to take care of him?  None of it mattered, my boy needed me so I hung up the phone and was out the door.  Rescheduled the doctor appointment I had cancelled the day before because I thought he was doing better.  With the help of his grandparents, got him situated, ran around like crazy to get everything taken care of at work and bolted to get him to his doctor appointment.  He was in a foul mood and thankfully fell asleep in the car.  On the way to the appointment the weight of the world, my world, smacked me upside the head and I couldn't get it to stop smacking me.  All I could think was my kid was really sick, he hates day care and I need to find another one, I ruined him by staying home with him so long, how am I going to get everything done in time for Christmas, he deserves better.  By the time I parked my car at the doctor's office I thought my head was going to explode.  I sat there and sobbed.  And sobbed some more.  Checked to make sure Henry was still sleeping.  Sobbed a little more.  Didn't want to be late for the appointment so wiped my tears away.  Took a deep breath and got out of the car.   

The doctor was concerned about some noises she heard in his chest that she thought might be pneumonia-y and said we should take it easy for the next few days.  No family party on the weekend.  No school on Monday.  Lots of rest and laying low.  What a nightmare.

I had baking to do.
I had to figure out an appetizer for a dish to pass for Christmas eve.
Henry hadn't been to see Santa yet.
If he doesn't go to school he isn't going to have any friends.
My kid is going to be the weirdo with no friends.
Shopping, shopping, shopping.
I sent him to school and he might have a touch of the pneumonia.  I'm an awful mother.

When we were getting ready to leave the office I was putting his shoes on him and he wrapped his arms around my head and said, "I'm gonna squeeze ya, mom-mom.  I love ya, mom-mom."  and all that other stuff went away.

I have Henry.
We have family that loves us and supports us and doesn't even want gifts.
I can photoshop Henry into Santa photos this year if I have to.
I get to spend 2 whole days with Henry, just staying home and being together.
My job has been so understanding and flexible and kind and caring and patient.
We will be okay.
We are better than okay.
We are great.

I've come a long way since Henry was born as far as my self-esteem and my feelings of self-worth, and my freak outs are fewer and farther between.  Every once in a while I still go back to that place where I feel completely overwhelmed and ill equipped to handle any of it, let alone all of it.  And then Henry brings me back with a squeeze around my head or a joke or an, "I love ya." Two things happen.  1.  I am reminded of what is important.  Henry.  Raising Henry in a loving environment and teaching him the things that I believe are important to being a loving, respectful and intelligent human being.  2.  In focusing on that, my mind slows down enough to let the other stuff go.  Sure that stuff will have to be dealt with eventually but it will all work out in some way.

Still, let's not have anymore snow/sick days for a while.

Next post: fewer words.  more photos.  Henry's aunt and uncle and cousins gave him a little digital camera for Christmas.  He pretty much only takes photos of crotches so consider yourself warned.

snow day.

Remember when you were a kid and snow days were the best thing ever?  I now understand the look of dread on my mom's face when we heard the news on the radio.  That's right, back then we had to listen to the radio to find out if school was cancelled.  I'm old, duh.  Most of the schools in the area are closed due to freezing rain and ice on the roads.  The first thing I did when I got up this morning was check to see if anything was closed.  Shit.  Then I found the parent handbook from Henry's day care to see what it said about closing when schools are closing.  Nothing.  I decided to go about my business getting ready for work and getting Henry ready for school as if nothing was amiss.  Why?  Because I didn't have a back up plan.  I already used up all of my back up plans at the beginning of the week when Henry couldn't go to day care because he was sick  A few minutes before we were supposed to leave I decided I should not drag my kid out on the icy roads unless necessary so I held my breath and called his day care.  I almost cried tears of joy when the lady answered the phone.  They were open!  I figured I would be late for work since the roads were probably bad and I needed to take it easy but that's no big deal.  Late is better than having a 3-year-old assistant not letting me get anything done all day.  The day just got better once I realized that the main roads were fine, wet but not slippery.  The side roads, well, let's just say I only had to go on a couple and it's a good thing because to quote my brother-in-law, "I couldn't get any purchase." and slid everywhere.  Henry thought it was really funny, especially when I swore and said, "Don't say that at school!  Please don't say that at school!!"  I have a feeling I'll have a note from his teacher when I pick him up this afternoon... 

Sunday night Henry and I were talking about going to school and getting up in the morning to get ready. He said, "I'm going to sleep in.  Yes.  I will." and I thought, "yeah right, Mr. I'll Get Up At 5:30 Even If Nobody Else Is Awake Yet."  Sure enough, yesterday I had to wake him up and this morning, even though he crawled in bed with me at 4 a.m., he fell back asleep until I woke him up at 6:30.  Usually when he falls back asleep with me, he wakes up when I wake up so I was sure to see his smiling face when I was in the shower at 5:45 but nope, not today.  When I finally did wake him up today he said, "Oh.  Is it morning?  I think I'll sleep for another minute."  Really?  Already?  I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this until he was a little older.  Like a teenager. 

Here's what I realized after one full day of day care and two days of getting ready to be out the door by 7 a.m., this single parent thing is for the birds.  It takes careful coordination and planning and timing things just right and bribes.  Lots of bribes.  You don't want to sit on the potty and throw a whiz this morning?  No muffins for the car ride!  You don't want to wear underwear?  No muffins for you!  You don't want to tell your teacher when you have to drop a deucey?  Well, that has nothing to do with muffins, you'll just have poopy pants.  We did get out the door on time, after peeing and wearing underwear.

Today, anyway.  We'll see what happens the rest of the week...

I have to go shopping for more muffins.  

day one. success.

Henry went to "school" today and it could not have gone better.  As far as I know, he did not shed one tear and more importantly, when I picked him up at the end of the day, he was wearing the exact same outfit as when I dropped him off in the morning.  The whole way home he told me about his day and it was so fun figuring out what was true and what was a lie.  Not sure if I was correct on all of them but I guess it doesn't matter.  He loved it and so did I. 

Now it's 8:45 p.m. and I'm trying to stay awake.  I'm not sure how we will survive this the entire week, especially since we have a couple swim classes thrown in as well.  And then at the end of the week he goes with his dad which will probably kill us both to be apart all week and then all weekend. 

Someone start up the bar right now. 

Oh good, I already did.

sea of snot.

Henry is sick.  Again.  His last two colds, that were one right after the other, somehow escaped me.  This one, not so much.  I am exhausted.  He is miserable.  I am worried about him.  I feel so bad for him.  He's such a trooper but tonight when I tried to wipe his nose for the millionth time (I do try to just let it go because I know it drives him coconuts but I caught him trying to wipe his nose on.  the.  wall.), he put up his hand and said, "No mom-mom.  No don't come near me with that.  No."  And it was so sweet and sad and yet so serious that I had to step away and just let him wipe his snot on whatever stuffed animal was sitting on the floor next to him.  I hate snot.  Most parents act like their kids' snot isn't a big deal.  I think they are as gross as their kids' snot.  Yes, I still use the snot sucker but only because it works and for the time being, Henry is sleeping soundly.

Did I mention I'm tired?  And snotty myself?

Tomorrow I have to get up at 6 and hope he sleeps at least until 6:30.  Monday morning he actually slept until after I left for work.  You know what I got done that morning?  I showered, dried my hair, washed the dishes, made a pot of coffee, ate breakfast, folded a load of laundry, and made it to work on time.  Today, oh God, it's only Tuesday... fuuuuuck... anyway, today he got up at 6:20 as I was getting out of the shower.  You know what I got done this morning?  I half-dried my hair, cuddled with Henry, made my breakfast and fed it to him, cuddled with Henry some more, made a pot of coffee and had to run out the door before it was finished (I've turned into a coffee snob and I have convinced myself that I can taste the difference between a half-brewed and completely brewed cup of coffee.  Ridiculous, I know.  But I still think I can tell) and made it to work 10 minutes late.  Oh.  I did brush my teeth both days.  Nothing worse than halitosis! 

It looks like I'm going to start working full-time soon which means in the next couple weeks I get to find a day care provider for Henry, figure out how I'm going to pay for it, and convince Henry it's a good idea.  We've been talking about it off and on since I started working and I think he's almost on board.  Tonight he wanted to throw away a perfectly good tractor that he thinks is broken so I told him maybe I could take it to work and put it on my desk and he said no, maybe he can take it to school.  And then he went and threw it in the trash can.  Perhaps he was sending me a message?  Most likely it had nothing to do with not wanting to go to school and the message was, you don't want me to throw away this perfectly good tractor?  Too bad. 

My sweet, sweet, snotty boy. 

Love.

Also, the hugs and kisses and cuddles I get when I get home from work almost make up for having to be away from him.  He's such a big kid, I have to brace myself for the tackle.  We hug and he puts his face so we're nose to nose and says, "I love you, mom-mom." 

Still, the snot is gross.

doh.

One of the many issues I have with having to get out of bed at 6 every morning in order to get everything done before leaving for work is that on mornings that I don't have to get up for anything because it's Henry's weekend to visit his dad, my brain wakes up in crisis mode at 7 because my ears haven't heard It's Tricky (my alarm clock song) and Henry hasn't put his precious face next to mine to whisper, "Good morning mom mom sunshine.  I have to go pee pee in the potty." and it thinks I must be late or something is wrong with my boy. 

Brain.  You are wrong.  Shut the fuck up so I can get some sleep.

See how tired I am?

done.

Henry woke me up this morning by telling me he had to go peepee in the potty.  His diaper was dry.  Shortly before he went to bed this evening he took a shit in the potty.  Everything between these two events happened in the potty.  That's right.  His first accident-free potty-training day.  He's got the concept. 

We did this, he and I.  We make a great team.

Also, I know we aren't really done and there will be more accidents but it's only been just over a week that he's been doing this so I consider it a win!!

potty training.

I decided to potty train Henry this week.  He turned three.  It seemed like a great idea.  It was an even better idea when I received a call asking me to come to work part-time on an interim basis (filling in for someone until the agency can hire a full-time person).  I leave Henry with the sitter for half the day and they have to deal with wet pants.  Perfect! 

At the beginning of the week I was on the phone and mentioned that maybe I would throw some Cheerios in the toilet to give Henry something to aim his pee stream at.  Apparently he was listening.  Yesterday he was deep in thought and I asked him what was on his mind.  He replied, "Mom-mom.  Cheerios do not go in the toilet.  Please.  Do not put them in the toilet.  They do not go in the toilet.  No.  Not at all.  No, Mom-mom.  Please."

the real birthday celebration.

He will likely spend half the day with his dad, and half the day with me.  He'll be too tired and confused to have a good celebration so he'll have two half-sucky celebrations and he'll miss his family birthday party because he'll be with his dad and I'll have to lie and pretend like I don't know where all the presents and cake came from because party?  What party?

Somehow I will make the combine happen.

birthday celebration.

Henry is already talking about his birthday.  So far, this is what he has planned:

• It's a combine birthday.  As in, combine harvester.
• He wants a tree cake.  An apple tree.  With jumpy squirrel.
• He wants a pumpkin cake.
• It's a combine birthday.
• It's a combine birthday.
• It's a combine birthday.

Oh hey, one more thing.

•  It's a combine birthday.

mini-me.

winner.

This morning while I was doing the dishes Henry ran up to me, hugged my leg as tightly as his arms could hug, yelled, "YOU ARE THE BEST MOM-MOM I'VE EVER SEEN!  I LOVE YOU!!" and ran away.

sigh.

Tonight, on the way to swim class, Henry said, "Mom-mom, I'd like to go to a ball game with you." 

It felt like the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

yard work.

As previously mentioned, my dad recently had open heart surgery.  Because he isn't able to lift or push or pull or do anything that resembles work, I have been mowing the lawn.  Check that.  Henry and I have been mowing the lawn.  I push the John Deere mower while he runs all around me with his lawn mower.  It's a great system...some of the time.  The first couple times he kept himself busy all around me the entire time I mowed.  Today was a completely different story. 

First let me describe mowing when he isn't with me. 
Zip.  Empty bag.  Zip.  Empty bag.  Zip.  Empty bag. 
I can usually finish the entire front and back yards in just over an hour.

This is mowing when Henry is here.  You should know that every time Henry needs something I have to turn off the mower so I can hear him.
Zip.  Empty bag.  Zi...

Henry: I want to play in the sandbox. 
Me:  Okay go ahead.  Do you want me to take off your shoes?
Henry:  No I want my shoes.
Me:  Okay.  If you change your mind, you know how to take your shoes off, you can just take them off.
Henry:  Okay.

Zip. 

Henry:  Mom-mom!   I don't want to wear my shoes.
Me:  You can take them off.
Henry:  I want you to take them off.
Me:  *taking off his shoes* Do you need anything else while I'm stopped?
Henry:  No I'll be in the sandbox. 
Me:  Great, you know where I'll be if you need anything.

Zip.

Henry:  MOM-MOM!!!!!
Me:  Oh my God what's wrong?!
Henry:  I need medicine for my bug bite on my knee.
Me:  Can it wait?  This bag is almost full and then we can empty it and I can take a break.
Henry:  No I need it noooooowwwwww
Me:  Okay my first job is taking care of you, second is the lawn.  *find the bug bite cream and bring it to him*  Okay buddy, which knee is it?
Henry:  This one...
Me:  Nooooo, I don't see a bite on that one, I think it's the other knee.
Henry:  Oh.  Okay the other one.
Me:  Does it really itch so badly that you need medicine?
Henry:  No.
Me:  Well, I'll put some on now and that way you'll be all set.  Do you need anything else? 
Henry:  No, I'll be in the sandbox.

Zi...

Henry:  MOM-MOM MOM-MOM MOM-MOM!!
Me:  Oh Jesus H. Christ for the love of all that is holy, how can I help you?
Henry:  Frank the Combine is coming to get you.
Me:  grrrrrr....
Henry:  I love you, mom-mom.

etc.

It took me almost 3 hours to finish mowing today.  I can't feel my right arm because the starter on the mower hasn't worked since I don't know when so every time I had to start it I had to use the pull-starter thingy.  Sometimes it's nice to be needed.  Other times it's nice to mow the fucking lawn. 

i have decided.

All bad news, from now on, must be communicated to me by way of cake.  Feel free to be creative in your choice of wording, or go the extra mile and don't use words, just use the cake itself to tell the sad/bad/awful tale. 

No, I'm not high.  If I was high and you called the cops to tell on me and then wanted to give me a heads up before the cops bust down my door, what would that cake be like?

the plague.

A couple weeks ago Henry got sick.  It seems that when he gets sick, it's often after he's been visiting his dad.  I'm convinced it's because of all the dirty, dirty airplane germs that surround him for the weekend.  I'm most likely wrong because Henry's a kid and he's dirty and I need not complain about the sick because he isn't in school so it's not like he's sick all the time.  This last time was just really bad and to make things worse, everyone in the house picked up his sick, including my dad who had just had open heart surgery.  So the poor man is trying to recover from major surgery and then caught a nasty bug.  When I'm feeling particularly shitty and am hurting from coughing and am falling asleep while reading to Henry, I try to make myself feel better by reminding myself that hey!  At least I didn't recently have my chest cracked open! 

I think we're almost better.  At least Henry is almost better and that's what is important.  Until we know for sure, I'd call before stopping by for a visit. 

talk talk talk.

A few of my favorite conversations lately...

Henry:  My name is Henry Green Leaf
Me:  Is my name Jenny Green Leaf?
H:  No.  Your name is Mom-mom and you love me so much and I am so perfect to you.

Me:  Did you drop a deuce-y?
Henry:  No.
M:  No?  Well then what is that I smell?
H:  It's farts, Mom-mom.  Just farts.

Reading a book from the library for the second time...
Me:  This one is Roadwork by... do you remember who wrote this book?
Henry: ....
M:  It's only the second time we've read it so it's okay if you can't remember.
H:  It's Roadwork.  By Highway Freeway.
M:  Close!  Roadwork, by Sally Sutton.

Walking down a long hallway at the hospital, a little old man shuffled all the way across the hallway to give Henry a high five.
Henry:  That was a nice guy.
Me:  He was a nice guy!  He went out of his way to give you a high five.
H:  I made him happy.
M:  I think you are right.
H:  I make you happy.
M:  I know you are right about that, for sure.
H:  You make me happy, mom-mom.  I love you.
M:  I love you, my boy.
At which point the couple walking behind us busted out into, "Awwwwwwwwwww"s.

stuff.

It's been a crazy couple of days.  Henry has been pacifier-free since Saturday morning and while I am happy to not see that stupid thing in his mouth anymore, it's made life a little more difficult.  Every day it gets better but we're still not back to "normal" yet, whatever that might be. 

We have to be at the hospital tomorrow morning by 8 and I need to be up way earlier than that to get ready to go before Henry gets up so of course I'm wide awake and will probably not sleep tonight. 

And there's a mosquito in here and I can't quite kill it, not for lack of trying. 

Yesterday Henry was supposed to be washing his car but when I looked outside I saw this going on. 

Wait, no, not yesterday.  Saturday.  He dragged the hose out in the yard and turned it on all by himself.  Certainly the actions of a boy too grown up to need a pacifier!  And the other day he helped me move my car.  He sat on my lap and put the key in the ignition himself.  When I went to turn the key to start the car, he said, "No mom-mom, I can do it myself."  AND HE DID. 

Just when I think he's too grown up, something happens, like he gets scared when his cousins spin him around too fast, and he's back in my arms wanting to cuddle and nuzzling into my neck, asking me to make him feel better, please. 

We've had lots of interesting talks lately.  I love it that he can tell me what he's thinking and he is still innocent enough to tell me exactly what's on his mind, no matter how ridiculous/silly/incorrect.  It also cracks me up when I find myself arguing a point with him.  Like when I tell him I have to pee and he tells me no, I have to poop.  Or when he tells me I love his daddy and I tell him, no, I don't.  I usually end up just agreeing with him because I realize I'm not going to win.  Well, I didn't agree with him on that last one.  Who knows, maybe I really did have to poop?

I killed that fucking mosquito dead.

nap time.

Henry and I took an almost 2.5 hour nap today.  I usually don't/can't fall asleep when cuddling in his big boy bed but today I crashed hard and didn't wake up until he snatched all the blankets and yelled, "OPEN YOUR EYES!" about 1.5 centimeters from my face. 

Now I am wide awake and am wishing I could fall asleep because I know that in about 6.5 hours, a little face is going to be about 1.5 centimeters from my face and that face will be asking to cuddle and/or to watch tractor videos and I will have to comply. 

sigh.

Henry:  MOM-MOM!!!!! 
Mom-mom:  Yes, Henry?
H:  Why are you doing the dishes?
M:  I'm not doing the dishes. 
H:  MOM-MOM!!!
M:  Yes, Henry?
H:  Mom-mom.  Did you already do the dishes?
M:  Yep.
H:  MOM-MOM!!!!!!!!
M: Yes, Henry?
H:  Why are you washing your hands?
M:  Why do you think I'm washing my hands?
H:  Because you touched my butt crack!!!!!!!  *Maniacal laughter*
M:  You are correct.  You had a poopy, poopy butt crack.
H:  MOM-MOM!!!!!
M:  Yes, Henry?
H:  I love you!
M:  I love you, too.
H:  I'm so happy I came home to you, mom-mom.

sniffing butterflies.

The most amazing thing happened today and someday I'll tell you about it but for now, you just need to know that I live and have lived a truly blessed existence.  So many wonderful things come my way, sometimes I just can't believe how lucky I am. 

Also, Henry kept trying to sniff butterflies today. 

the light.

Not all was bad today.  He makes me laugh.  He makes me smile.  He makes me love.  He makes me proud.  He makes me patient.  He makes me kind.  He makes me come up with new things to do.  He makes me sit and enjoy the warmth of our lives. 

And that was just today.

aaaaargggggggghhhhhhhhh...

Pretty much every conversation today has gone something like this.

Mom-mom:  It's time to go outside.
Henry:  No.  I'm not going outside.
Mom-mom:  It's a beautiful day so let's go out and play!
Henry:  NoooooOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOOO!
Mom-mom:  Okay I get it, you don't want to go out right now.  How about we play inside for 15 minutes and then we'll go outside.
Henry:  No.  I wanna go outside.  I'm not playing inside for 15 minutes.
Mom-mom:  ........

Every.  Single.  Conversation. 

By 6 p.m. I needed a time-out.  You know it's been a long day when the mom is locking herself in her room for a time-out and the kid is in the hallway yelling, "I'm sorry mom-mom!  I'll make dinner now!  You take a nap!!"  As I heard his big ol' feet running toward the kitchen, I snapped out of it and joined him to help him make dinner. 

Done.

goodbye, old friend.

Almost ten years ago my then-boyfriend bought a kitty water fountain bowl for the little bastards, aka Barbaro Garbey and Willie Horton.  I thought it was a ridiculous purchase but went along with it because it was on sale and the idea is kind of cool.  Little did I know that it was the best thing ever.  That little submersible pump went on and on and on.  Longer than my relationship with the then-boyfriend, as a matter of fact!  For the past couple months, every time I would clean it, the pump would take a long time to come back on.  The last time I cleaned it was before we went on vacation and it didn't want to come back on.  By the time I returned from vacation it was working a little bit and this morning I noticed that it had stopped.  Willie Horton is looking at the fresh bowl of water I put on the floor with confusion and what's that?  She just stuck her nose in the air and walked away. 

Perhaps I was wrong.  The purchase wasn't ridiculous.  My cat is ridiculous. 

i can do this.

Today is day 2 of a five day stretch of Hank and I on our own.  I mentioned before that we've had house guests for a little while, as in just over 5 weeks, I think.  The house feels empty, to say the least.  Yesterday, Henry twice suggested we go to his cousins' house to play.  Instead we went to a new ice cream shop downtown and played by the Lansing Lugnuts stadium.  This was all after a big storm went through so Henry wasn't sure he wanted to play outside because he was "a little bit scary."  I often remind him that one of my jobs is to keep him safe and that seems to stop the scaries a little bit.  Since the Common Ground Festival is going on, there was a plane flying around pulling a big ol' banner and Henry loooooooved watching it.  "Look at that, Mom-mom!  Look!  Look!  Looooook!!!" It doesn't matter how many times I enthusiastically respond, "I SEE IT, HENRY!  I SEE IT!!  I SEEEEEEEE IIIIIIITTTTTTT!" He demands I look some more.  I love it. 

Spending all day with a two-and-a-half-year-old is exhausting.  By the end of the day I'm lucky if I can get the floor cleaned up and a little scrubbing in before I fall in bed with a book. 

It's good to have these kinds of problems. 

bad mom. good mom.

Bad mom.
On the way to the store to buy a birthday gift for a one-year-old's birthday party I heard this little monologue coming from the back seat...
"Oh!  There's a 'skeeto.  *clapping sound* I missed it!  Son of a bitch!  There it is again!!  *clapping sound* Dammit, it got away..."
(This is pretty much exactly the conversation I have with myself while I am hunting mosquitoes in the house).
(I suck at hunting mosquitoes and sometimes wonder if I actually have two eyes, my depth perception is so far off).

Good mom.
I don't like to do the whole bribe-the-kid-to-behave-at-the-store thing because I would like Henry to behave while shopping whether or not he gets a toy or a treat at the end.  He doesn't always get a toy/treat because in our world, that's just life.  On this particular birthday gift shopping trip, however, I was doing the best I can.  I have been planning to get Henry a Curious George stuffed toy for a while because he really enjoys that little monkey so when we were picking out a toy for the birthday party I mentioned to Henry that if we have a good trip, he can probably take George home with him but if it's a bad trip, George would have to wait at the store and come home another time.  We often have the conversation about what makes a good trip and what makes a bad trip, that way he knows my expectations and it's easier to explain when he decides that running away and hiding in the clothes racks where I can't find him is inappropriate and constitutes a bad trip.  He did a pretty good job until he decided to lay on a display couch with his shoes on, which he knows is a big no-no, and then when I asked him to get down or at the very least, take off his shoes, he decided to throw the pillows on the floor.  Bad trip, my friend.  When he saw that I wasn't so happy with him he yelled, "YOU CAN'T CATCH ME!" and started to run away.  I grabbed his hand and calmly told him that I wanted to keep him close so he would be safe so he could now hold my hand and we could have a chance at this being a good trip to the store.  All I had to do now was pay for the gift and we'd be out of there.  As we were walking to the cash registers, we talked more about a good trip and bad trip and he said it was a bad trip so George would have to stay at the store.  I told him that it was okay because we'd be back another time and we'd both work on having a good trip and then George could come home with us.  He said he was sorry and I accepted his apology and thanked him and told him I loved him and knew that he tried and we'd both just try harder next time.  At this point an older lady, probably in her late 60's, approached me and whispered, "You are such a good mom, I've been listening to your conversation.  How old is he, two-and-a-half?  I have a grandson the same age and he would be pitching a screaming fit right now if he couldn't get a toy.  Your son is listening and is fine with not getting the toy.  Can I send my grandson to your house for a while?"  I just laughed and thanked her and assured her that my son is also capable of screaming fits, but on the inside I felt so proud of Henry and later in the car, I realized that I could be proud of myself, too.  Sometimes, I am a good mom.  Thanks, lady!

Remember when I was all Yaaaaayyyyyy!  My kid is still sleeping and it is 9:52 a.m.?! 

Someone should have smacked me upside the head and said, "Hey dummy!  The last time he did that he was sick!"  because when he finally woke up a little after 10, he was hot.  On fire hot.  Okay, maybe not that hot, but definitely had a fever.  He then spent much of the day laying on me, or on his gma, or in my bed, not wanting to talk, eat, talk or talk which is way different than how he spends most of his days.  Talking.  Eating.  Talking.  Talking. 

This morning he woke up with an elevated temperature, not quite fever range but still higher than normal.  He doesn't have any other sick symptoms which I am grateful for but which also makes me nervous. 

We are supposed to go on another little trip tomorrow but at this point, I think we'll stay home for at least one more day to rest.  He's been getting a lot of that even though he did sneak outside for a few minutes tonight.  It wore him out and I knew he was done when he collapsed into my arms, a sobbing mess because I moved his car out of the middle of the driveway.  I did my best to console him all the while screaming, "I TOLD YOU GOING OUTSIDE WAS NOT A GOOD IDEA BECAUSE YOU NEED TO REST!" in my head.  I concealed my inside-the-head screaming very well because he clung to me and said, "Mom-mom would you please carry me inside?" and I know had he heard my inside-the-head screaming, he would have run away from me.  Very far. 

Let's hope for an early morning tomorrow!  Yay!!??

home again.

It has been a crazy few weeks with house guests, vacation, Henry going to visit his dad, and now more house guests.  It's been so crazy that it is 9:52 a.m. and Henry is still asleep (of course I peeked in to make sure he was sleeping and not dead, I'm just that kind of mom.  The kind that is ruining her child by being overprotective and overbearing, according to some stupid article stupid people keep posting on the book of faces website).

Henry was sick when he was with his dad this past weekend and it was a complete and total nightmare of a day for me.  The only thing worse than having a sick kid on your hands is knowing your kid is sick in someone else's hands.  Also, given that the someone else is the other parent, you need to let go and let them make decisions about his health even though those decisions are waaaaaay different than your decisions would have been.  This parenting thing is haaaaaard.  This co-parenting thing is even haaaaaaaaaaaaarder.

Last night when Henry and I did cuddle minute before he went to bed, he cupped my face in his hands and got real close and said, "Mom-mom, I missed you!  I was sad but now I'm not sad anymore." and I almost died.  I do understand that his two statements could be completely unrelated.  It is highly possible and even probable that his being sad had nothing to do with missing me but in order to survive this little life setup we have here, the one where he takes off every other weekend whether he wants to or not, I believe it's all okay because he isn't sad anymore when he's home with me.  

do not let me babysit your children.

My nephews, ages 10 and 14, and I, age old lady, were watching Family Feud.  This was a good lesson in never-let-the-10-yr-old choose the TV show.  We decided it would be fun to play along at home.   

Did you know I have attention deficit disorder which means I sometimes struggle with impulse control and say things out loud that shouldn't be said and it's too late I can't take them back and then I have to pretend what I said didn't really mean anything I was just trying to be funny? 

The survey question was:  Name something people put plugs in.

That's right.  You know what I yelled out. 

Luckily, their reaction and laughter told me that they thought I was just being silly and hopefully much later in life when they learn about other things that people put plugs in, they won't remember this moment and their crazy aunt.  Oh, how I hope. 

misled.

When I read this headline, I have to admit my first thought was, well why were they wrestling naked?  I'm positive I'm not the only one with that thought.  Right?

crazy train.

Did I really compare giving birth to being as inevitable as Google Reader coming to an end?  Yes.  Yes, I did.  The comparison doesn't make sense this morning but it made tons of sense last night as I was freaking out about having to switch readers. 

Henry says, "Mom-mom is cray-cray." 

Who the fuck taught him "cray-cray"? 

Anyway, in case you got over my awful comparison, you might want to know that Feedly is working just fine for me. 

This morning was another video visit nightmare.  Recently Henry has decided to fully embrace his inner two-year-old stubbornness and he decides what he does and when.  Sometimes he doesn't get to make those decisions and he is very unhappy about it.  Last night when I started talking with him about getting hype about video visit with his daddy it didn't go so well.  I slipped it into conversations a couple times.  Yay!  How fun!  Aren't you the luckiest and happiest little boy?!  Hoping that by this morning the hype would have sunk in.  Nope. 

The only thing that has made him happy since the video visit drama is cleaning the bathroom.  So he's cleaning.  And cleaning.  And cleaning.  Without pants. 

Cray-cray, I tell you.

Oh.  Must have been me. 

can't stop this train.

There have been very few times in my life where I knew for sure something was going to happen.  One was when I was pregnant.  I knew the fetus would eventually be out of my body.  I didn't know how.  I didn't know when.  I didn't know if I'd be alive. I didn't know if the fetus would be alive.  I did know that there would come a day when I would no longer be pregnant.  Thank.  God. 

A few months ago Google announced they'd be ditching their Reader which made me have a mild to moderate panic attack.  Strange since I don't think I ever had a panic attack about getting the fetus out of my body which surely was way more painful than not having Google Reader anymore.  I'm a nut.  Anyway, when I read about it I mostly put the panic aside because it wasn't happening until July.  Waaaaay long time away, right?  Right.  Until I looked at the calendar today and realized it is June.  Holy fucking shit, people.  June.  As in, right before July. 

Tonight I decided to stop putting off the inevitable, time to kick this Google Reader to the curb and welcome my newborn RSS reader.  Is that repetitive, like ATM machine?  I don't know.  Anyway, after some research I decided on using Feedly.  It looks easy enough so far.  I think the app on my phone doesn't support feedly so I'll have to figure something out for that.  Maybe there's a feedly app? 

Anyway, I'm feeling good about this.  What did you decide to use? 

and so it begins.

Me:  Henry, it's time to eat dinner.  Come sit down.
Henry:  Don't wanna eat.
Me:  Okay but you still need to sit at the table.
Henry:  Nope.
Me:  Henry, everyone that lives here sits at the table for dinner.  You don't have to eat but you have to sit.  Do you live here?
Henry:  No.  I live with daddy.
Me:  You do live with daddy.  Two out of 14 days.  Is today one of those days?
Henry:  No.  *runs to his chair at the table*

stuff.

I feel like we've had a very busy month and it's only June 5th.  I also feel like May flew by and I think June is about to do the same thing.  Still searching for the perfect job.  The one that makes it worth not being with Henry every day.  Haven't found it yet. 

Here are some photos.

We went to my sister's cottage for Memorial Day weekend.  Henry spent most of his time on the sand pile.  It was a little chilly but other than that, perfect weather. 

 And he took photos.

 And he drove the pontoon boat.  Don't worry, that's not his gin and tonic.


 We went to Ocqueoc Falls, which I believe are the only waterfalls in the Lower Peninsula.  Since we've had so much rain, the water was really high and really fast.  Henry especially loved the giant rocky landscape that are also stairs down to the falls.  It was all fun and games until as my brother-in-law's-brother said, "Uh oh, looks like the sporting goods section of the local WalMart just closed and everyone came here."  Henry and I were amazed and in awe of all the redneckness. 

 Henry caught his first fish!  And if the DNR asks, his mom-mom without the fishing license was not the one helping him.  Nope. 

The other day Henry said his car needed to be washed.  He can use the hose on his own now.  Scary.

He wasn't sure about the tube slide but I went down with him once and he was hooked.  Thankfully he didn't need me to go down again because it hurt.  Not only could I not sit up all the way so my elbows and head were getting knocked around, I was wearing Tevas which meant I was also getting shocked by the static electricity the whole way down.  He loved the echo when I yelled up at him to hurry up which meant yelling didn't make him hurry, it just made him laugh and want me to yell some more.  

We went to the Lansing Symphony Orchestra concert in the park tonight.  I wasn't sure how long we would be able to stay since it didn't start until 7 and my kid goes to bed by 8:30 but starts winding down around 7 or 7:30.  He did a great job and we stayed for the first half of the concert.  It was 80's music so Henry had to endure lots of embarrassing dancing by his mom-mom.  The little girl sitting in front of us thought I was hilarious.  It's good to know that we can do stuff like that and he can keep his shit together even though he's exhausted from a long day of playing and baking cookies and checking under rocks for bugs.  No chicken recon, I'll have to explain that another day.

Night night.

done.

Today was a long.  ass. day.  I couldn't wait for it to be over.  To crawl into bed, not even minding the sheets should probably be changed since my sand-covered son and I attempted to take a nap there earlier today. 

The day started out with a rather difficult task.  Convincing my son to sit in front of my computer to talk to his daddy.  He wanted nothing to do with it.  Ran and hid.  Ran and laughed.  Ran and read books.  I finally got him to sit down with his peanut butter waffles and ice water.  Just in time.  Then the visit didn't happen as planned.  Tried to do Facetime on my phone instead but I think he just wasn't into it.  I try to leave him alone so I don't know what happened but as I was sitting in the other room reading a New Yorker from March (almost caught up?!), he suddenly came running in and tackled me and laughed and laughed and said he wanted to eat breakfast with George.  As in Curious.  No, I don't think that will happen.  It didn't. 

After that crazy start to the day, things remained I don't know, unbalanced.  Wonky.  Exhausting.  He and I were just waiting for something to happen but I'm not sure what.

Tonight when I attempted to put him to bed, he was pissed and screamed and yelled and cried like he has never really done.  I got him up and we read books.  Lots of books.  We have a really good friend that keeps him in really good, award-winning books.  And awesome Merge Records t-shirts.

I set the timer.  He does not argue with the timer. 

I was grateful for the beep-beep of the timer.  He went to bed no problem after that. 

My back hurts so bad tonight. 

Tomorrow will be better.  

once upon a henry.

A week or so ago Henry woke up in the morning with a dry diaper.  I've been told that going all night without peeing is a sign that the kid is ready to be potty trained.  He stayed dry for at least two more nights, and maybe even 3 or 4.  I can't remember anything.  After the first night I immediately ran out to the store and bought a fancy potty and I had also heard about a bunch of wonderful potty training videos and books.  Well, one book and video in particular.  I went to the locally owned Schuler's Bookstore and was very, very, very disappointed with their potty training section.  Out of all the potty training books, I found one that did not have both mommy and daddy sitting around the kid cheering them on as he sat on the potty doing nothing.  All I could think was that the only way both Henry's mommy and daddy would both be standing around him as he took a shit in the potty was if something really bad had happened.  Really bad.  I was relieved when I found Once Upon a Potty and that it featured Joshua and his mom-mom and nobody else.  Well, grandma gets a shout out but that's okay.  I ordered the DVD because Henry's pediatrician recommended it.  Henry looooooves the Once Upon a Potty book and every night we have to read about Joshua.  The DVD isn't so great because daddy is in the story.  Kind of weird since he isn't mentioned in the book.  Also, there's a creepy song that neither Henry nor I enjoyed.  We watched it once and I don't even know where it is anymore. 

I had complained to my dear friend, Joanna, about the lack of books that fit Henry's situation.  Apparently she heard me loud and clear because oh my God, she wrote a potty training book for Henry and about Henry and it is perfect for Henry.  She printed a bunch of photos of him and it.  is.  perfect.  So perfect that I wrote it twice.  And now three times.  Henry looooooves it and he laughs and laughs and laughs.  The book didn't come with a title but this morning Henry handed it to me and said, "Mom-mom want read Once Upon a Henry." and my heart almost burst with love and happiness and cheesiness. 

Now at bedtime we read about both Joshua and about Henry. 

p.s. Henry still won't sit on his potty. We are making progress, though.  At first he wouldn't even sit on the potty.  Then he sat on it but only with the lid closed.  And finally, he sat on it once with the lid open.  Fully clothed, of course.  The last time I ordered diapers, I only ordered one case, hoping he wouldn't need more.  I think I'll order another one before the coupon expires. 

birthday.

I love this boy.



There was a miscommunication and I ended up with two birthday cakes.  Tonight Henry and I busted out the second one and he said we had to have candles and sing.  I asked him to get the candles out and he came up with a five and a zero.  I asked him if he wanted to be 5 or 50 and he said, "two."
 

mother.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how close Henry's family is, in geographic terms and in relationship terms.  I'm so grateful to be raising him close to his grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles and fauxcousins and fauxaunts and fauxuncles.  Henry has 12 cousins, on my side of his family alone.  That does not include his 7 fauxcousins in Grand Rapids.  Ten of his cousins, and 17 of them if you include the Grand Rapids group, live at the farthest, an hour drive away.  This means that during the school year, we get to attend track meets, water polo matches, swim meets, cross country meets, field hockey games (I don't know what they are called.  Games?  Matches?), not to mention concerts and other performances when he gets older.  His cousins get so excited to see Henry when he comes to cheer them on and Henry just loves to yell and clap and critique.  His aunts and uncles have forgotten my name and most of them just consider me to be the chick that drives their nephew to visit them.  

Here's the thing.  One of the best thing about being a mom, and being Henry's mom, is the support and love that I've received from friends and family and friends that I now consider to be family. 

When Henry was born, several of my friends had young children.  Even though most of them were first time parents themselves, they were right by my side rooting for me and propping me up when I needed it.  Some of them live a million miles away but would email, call, and visit when they could.  They all realized that I was in for the crazy ride of my life.  They had recently done it as two-parent families and couldn't imagine what my life would be like as a single parent.  Henry is two-and-a-half-years-old and I am still getting calls and letters and emails and facebook messages of support and love from these people. 

It's amazing and wonderful and beautiful and I am so grateful because I get to teach this to Henry.  My son is living in this environment and my hope is that one day if he chooses to breed, he will teach it to his child.  If I do my job well, he won't know any other way to show his child. 

I truly believe all, okay so maybe most, mothers do the best they can with what they have.  We judge one another harshly and we knock each other down at times, but I am lucky that the mothers I know, the ones that I keep close and that hold Henry and I in their hearts, we understand that shit happens and we all love our children and want the best for the kiddos.  We know we will all fuck up at times and we will most likely all be shit on once or twice, literally and figuratively, and we will be there for each other. 

Motherhood.  It's really fucking beautiful.

Me:  Henry, are you going to make me breakfast in bed for Mother's Day tomorrow?
Henry:  No mom-mom.  That's dirty.
Me:  Aye Aye, Captain.
Henry:  Captain's Curse?
Me:  No, Captain of Team Clean.
Henry:  Go Clean!
Me:  Go Blue?!
Henry:  Light turned green!  We gooooooooooo!!!
Me:  Hail to the victors!
Henry:  Light turned yellow!  We slow doooowwwwwwn!  Mom-mom go fast.
Me:  shhhhhhh.... 

furniture shopping ptsd.

Henry and I went to Art Van tonight to pick out some furniture and do some research on big boy beds.  I realized that the last time I was at Art Van, I was 8 months pregnant and picking out a new bed for myself.  It was one of the most exhausting experiences I had as a pregnant woman and everything about it was awful.  Physically.  Emotionally.  Mostly physically.  I just remember being out of breath after trying out 3 mattresses.  It sucked. 

Tonight was just as exhausting but for a much better reason.  Henry loves him some furniture store.  He ran and jumped and climbed and hid and laughed and laughed and laughed.  For some reason the salesman wanted to sell me a TempurPedic bed for my two-year-old which just seems like a terrible idea.  If he can't jump on his bed, he will jump on my bed and nobody wants that but mainly I don't want that.  Not that I want him to jump on his bed but let's face it, he is a kid and he will jump on a bed.  As a matter of fact, he tried to jump on the bottom bunk of a bunk bed tonight but I stopped him just in time.  If I thought he wouldn't have hurt himself badly, I would have let him learn the hard way.  He might be chubby but big man can jump.  The only way I could keep him from getting in trouble was to make him my backpack and by the time we walked out of the store I was exhausted and could hardly feel my arms.  Instead of being in tears and feeling like a big reject, I couldn't stop laughing and smiling. 

that's my boy.

Me:  Henry.  Sunday is Mother's Day and we need to get a present for Gma because she is mom-mom's mom-mom.  What should we get her?
Henry:  Birthday cake.

a little while later...

Me:  Henry.  Next week is somebody's birthday.  Whose birthday is it?
Henry:  Henry's birthday.  Need buy birthday cake for Henry.

a little while later...

Me:  Henry.  Do we really need an excuse to buy cake?
Henry:  Let's play with this monster truck but not that Captain's Curse.  He's hiding. 
Me:  And then we can eat cake?
Henry:  Yes.  Birthday cake for Henry.

today.

Henry is growing up fast.  Too fast.  Today, for the first time ever, he was not clingy the day after he came home from his dad's weekend.  Maybe it was because he was so busy.  Maybe it was because he doesn't need his mom-mom as much anymore.  Maybe it was because he is just the happiest kid on the planet.  Here are photos from today.  Notice the many wardrobe changes.  There were a couple that I didn't even take photos of.  Yikes.

Time to wash Gma's car!

Tired?  Me?  Where did I leave my pants??

Not enough energy to run through the sprinkler.  Standing will do.  Brrrrr.....

it's all fun and games until...

Henry has been way into the I'm bringing home a baby bumblebee song lately.  We'll be sitting in the sandbox and all of a sudden he insists on singing it.  Right.  Now.  The other day he was supposed to be taking a nap but instead he was singing and I grabbed my camera to get a recording of the cuteness. 



If you watch the video, you'll notice he never got to the Ouch!  It stung me!!  part. 

This morning, a bunch of sweat bees were hanging out by the sandbox and a couple huge bumblebees.  They mostly stayed to themselves but I saw a little sweat bee land on Henry's hand and he swatted it away and then he started crying.  His first bee sting.  It was high drama but I could see the bite on his finger and so we iced it and cuddled and I asked him if he wanted to sing the baby bumblebee song and he said, "NooooooOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOOoooooo." 

Guess that's the end of that one. 

pass the cheese, please.

Do you know the song These Are Days, by 10,000 Maniacs?  Here it is.  You should listen.  And then you should be jealous because this is my life.

These are the days, ohh
 
These are days, you'll remember  
Never before and never since, I promise 
Will the whole world be warm as this and as you feel it
You'll know it's true that you are blessed and lucky 
It's true that you are touched by something  
That will grow and bloom in you
 
These are days, you'll remember 
When may is rushing over you with desire  
To be part of the miracles you see in every hour
You'll know it's true that you are blessed and lucky 
It's true that you are touched by something  
That will grow and bloom in you
 
These are days
These are the days you might fill with laughter until' you break  
These days you might feel a shaft of light make it's way across your face  
When you do you'll know how it was meant to be
See the signs and know their meaning 
It's true, you'll know how it was meant to be 
Hear the signs and know they're speaking to you, to you

So yesterday Henry was supposed to be napping but instead he talked until I finally went in to get him out of his crib.  He was obviously still tired so we laid down on my bed which usually turns into me almost losing an eyeball to his jabbing finger and him yelling, "WAKE UP, MOM-MOM!" until I finally get pissed enough to say screw nap, let's go play some more.  But yesterday he fell asleep next to me and then he slept for two solid hours, which meant he got up from his nap at 5:30 p.m.  Yeah.  He usually goes to bed around 7:30 or 8 but I knew that he'd be staying up late so I decided we'd go to the Lansing Lugnuts game.  It was Dollar Night so dinner would be dirt cheap and it was a beautiful, sunny evening.  

Before the game, Henry yelled, "VERLANDER!  IT'S VERLANDER!!" at the opposing team pitchers as they were warming up in the bull pen.  

They had a moment of silence and prayer for the victims and survivors of the bombs in Boston.  I held Henry tight and he gave me kisses on my nose.  I held him even tighter a moment later when we were singing the National Anthem and the words, "bombs bursting in air," came out of my mouth.  Then Henry said, "mom-mom stop singing" and wiggled out of my arms so he could run to see the Latino, A farm team version of Verlander.  

We ate dollar hot dogs and drank $4 bottles of water and shared a $3.75 soft pretzel.  

 

Henry had promised to help me score the game but I didn't even get to write down one name on the scorecard.  That's okay kid, next time.

 

During the first inning the umpire slipped on the grass and landed on his butt.  Henry and I both saw it and we both cracked up.

And even though Henry wanted to leave, demanded to leave, after the second inning, somewhere in there I realized that this is exactly where my life should be.  

transcript of not napping.

I will transcribe in real time, as in, right now:

Turtle light bad bad turtle light
Go green
No turtle light no go green
Go blue
Hail hail hail
Victorrrrrrrrrrrs
Turtle light airplane in the suh-ky sky sky suh suh suh kyyyyy
pffffffttttpft poopy sounds turtle light
No want go Grayson's house
Mac-roni and cheeeese
Uh-oh uh-oh
oh ho ho ho ho HOOOOOO
Conq-ring heroes.
Moon moon moon
Plane not in the sky anymore turtle light
Sorry no throw rocks
pfffffft yeah Biz beat day.

I could go on but I am going to turn off the monitor and pretend he his napping.

This morning Henry got in trouble for coloring in the grout of the tile floor.  He was asked a couple times to stop and when he didn't, he got the ol' time out treatment.  It really wasn't a big deal except I don't want him coloring where he shouldn't be coloring.  He already colored a little bit on his book case and I was too lazy to clean it up.  Joke's on him though, he hates dirt and messy and every time he sees the crayon marks on the book case he freaks out a little bit with lots of, "uh-oh uh-oh"s and wanting to clean it up.  Now that I know this, I refuse to clean it up and hope it serves a sort of reminder to him to not color on shit he isn't supposed to color on!  The red crayon on the grout I couldn't leave so I scrubbed until it was all out.  The only problem was that the cleaner I used not only got rid of the crayon, it also got rid of the dirt so now there is one very clean spot and the rest of it just looks filthy dirty.  It is driving me crazy.  The next time he visits his dad I'm going to be cleaning grout.  Something to make the weekend without my son extra special. 

scary.

This study totally freaks me out.  I'm so sorry Henry, mom-mom tries so hard to make everything good for you. 

sunshine day.

It doesn't matter that it was cold and cloudy and windy today, every day that Henry comes home to me is a sunshine day.  It was the first time since he left that I stopped obsessively checking my bracket ranking.  We played outside for a few minutes and got his two favorite trucks, tanker and flat bed, all muddy and then we went inside so he could give them a bath in his new favorite place to play, the bathroom sink.  We caught up on singing songs together and watched a little bit of mice, AKA Cinderella, before he went to bed. 

Earlier I had lunch with a friend and as I was walking to my car, I ran into some friends that I haven't seen since before I left the Lansing area a million years ago.  They asked me if I still live in Grand Rapids because that was where I was moving to the last time we were in contact.  Crazy.  So much has happened since that time in my life but here I am.  In the parking lot of a restaurant in East Lansing.  It felt like I am back where I started and I felt a little sad.

But then Henry came home and I realized that even though this wasn't what I planned, nor really what I wanted, this is exactly where I, we, need to be.  Home.  Home is with family.  I am home when I am with Henry.   I wouldn't want it any other way.

About that bracket ranking, I'm no longer in the shitter but there is still time left for that to happen.  I was telling my friend how crazy I get about this bracketology bullshit and he said it's like playing the lottery and he's totally right.  I probably have more chance of winning the lottery than winning this.  Great.  I mostly picked my own picks but I do confess that I looked toward Nate Silver for some insight.  He might know a lot about numbers and baseball and presidential elections but so far, the man from East Lansing don't know shit about basketball.  Apparently we have that in common. 

mama bear.

Last night, in the middle of the night, I thought I heard someone outside my window, on the deck.  I leave my windows open a little bit and my blinds open because I like cold air when I sleep.  It also means if anyone is on the deck in the middle of the night, they can totally see in my room because my alarm clock is super bright.  My first instinct was to confront whoever was out there and kill them dead if I had to.  Nobody messes with my kid.  I laid perfectly still trying to figure out how I could get to my flashlight and baseball bat so I could deer-in-headlights them and then beat them senseless with my miniature souvenir baseball bat.  My first move was to stealthily turn off the backlight on my alarm clock so they couldn't see inside my room and therefore couldn't see me digging through my purse to find my flashlight and through my closet to find my teeny tiny baseball bat.  The element of surprise was crucial in my plan.  My next move was to realize that Henry was with his dad so there was no way they could get to him.  After that, I pulled my blankets over my head and fell asleep. 

I'm a badass and I know it. 

I'm missing my boy terribly.  We have spent a lot of time washing our hands during and after the last round of sick.  Henry loves to wash his hands.

Okay so mostly he loves to get his fingers wet, put them in his mouth and say, "want eat water."  At least I make him wash his hands before he eats water off of his fingers.   

march madness.

It's my second year of bracketology and it's going as well as the first which is to say, I suck at this.  I don't know why I expect to do well since I don't follow basketball at all.  Not one bit.  I mean, I watch a game here or there if it's already on tv.  Other than that, I don't know anything about any of the teams.  I am sick of people telling me how cray cray it is that Harvard won and asking me if I picked them.  People.  I do know enough to not pick a team from a university that I assume is full of morally corrupt students who date married people with pregnant spouses. 

Madness, I tell you.  Just madness. 

Back to mom-mom's water.

enough with the cliches.

So I get it.  All those annoying parenting cliches.  They're true.  Is that why I hate them?  I've been thinking so much about the, "you won't remember what your life was like before you had a kid," one and how.  fucking.  true.  it is.  I am pretty sure it is partly true because I can't remember anything at all anymore.  I am also pretty sure it is mostly true because my life is nothing like it was before I had a kid.  I am also pretty sure it is a little true because I don't ever want my life to be like it was before I had a kid.  Who would want that?  I didn't know love then.  I know love now.  It is perfect. 

Also, when Henry and I went grocery shopping tonight I had to stop and sing songs with him in the aisles on three different occasions which was just amazing and fun and hilarious.  That never happened before I had a kid.  Well.  Maybe once when I was in college and it involved lots of well.  Never mind.  It was also awesome when Henry told the young, awkward, pimply-faced cashier that the bottle of vodka he was scanning was mom-mom's water.  Yup.  And when the cashier just looked at him Henry said loudly, "THAT'S MOM-MOM'S WATER, YUP." and nodded quite violently for emphASSis. 

Thanks, kid.  My life would be so empty without you. 

i love this boy.

me:  Henry, did you drop a deuce-y?
Henry:  Nooooo.  No deuce-y.
me:  Really?  Huh.  Henry, what do I smell?
Henry:  Deuce-y.
me:  Guess it's time for diaper duty.
Henry:  Let's do this.

parenting fail.

This is what I get for gloating. 

A few minutes after I posted that last tidbit Henry came to me, grabbed my hand and pulled me into the living room.  He pointed at the tv and said, "Want watch golf."

another proud parenting moment.

I'm running around the house trying to get some stuff done and I leave Henry in the living room where he plays with his trucks and excavators and tea set.  Since I stop in there every few minutes to check on him, I also have the Tigers game on t.v.  As I'm walking by the living room I hear him yell at the t.v., "NOT A BELLY PITCHER!!"

the best cure ever.

This afternoon Henry dropped his rolling pin under the table and was having a hard time reaching it.  He asked for my help and even said please so I crawled my fat ass under the table to get it.  As I was crawling back out I bumped my head and said, "OW OW OW Mom-mom has an owie."  By the time I got all the way out from under the table Henry was right by my side and said, "Hug mom-mom.  Mom-mom okay.  Mom-mom okay." and he gave me the biggest, most cuddly hug he's ever given me and I was again reminded that nothing else matters.  I am raising a sweet, smart, funny and loving boy.  Me.  I am. 

And yes, I know that years from now when he's in therapy, that will also be because of me. 

enough with the talking.

I waited so long for Henry to start talking.  It is wonderful and you know I got it bad when tonight, I was doing laundry and couldn't stop smiling because all I could hear in my head was his little voice saying, "Dryer sheet.  In here.  Throw away."  So many new words every single day and now that he is putting together longer and longer sentences, I am just completely unoriginal in my level of amazement.  When I can't understand what he's saying I ask him to repeat it and when I do finally understand him I say, "Ooooh" and repeat what he's saying.  Now he cuts to the chase and when he repeats what I can't understand, he sticks, "Ooooh" in front of it for me.  So funny!

Speaking of funny, now that I understand what he's saying, I find he is a really funny kid and he loves making me laugh.  I love it that he's already trying to make me laugh with his words. 

Here's a funny photo of him from the other day... he loves these sunglasses and won't go outside without wearing them.  Thankfully he can finally put them on himself now, there were some car rides that were most unhappy with me yelling, "I'm driving!  Stop poking your eye out!!  I'll fix it when I stop!!!"  In this photo he was really tired and should have been napping but the day before I had promised him he could watch Mice aka Cinderella in the car so instead of sleeping he was watching and giggling at the mice.  The pacifier, blankie and Mice watching somewhat takeaway from the badassness of the glasses. 

hair update.

Henry has been giving daily, and sometimes more than daily, opinions about his hair and others hair. 

A couple days ago...
Henry: Mom-mom's hair all jacked up.
Me: Yes, you're right and you've told me that 3 times today. What about your hair. Tell me about Henry's hair.
Henry: (reaching up to touch his hair) Henry's hair perfect.

Yesterday...
Henry:  Henry's hair all jackedup.
Me:  Yes it is.  What about mom-mom's hair:
Henry:  Mom-mom's hair all jacked up.  Gma's hair all jacked up.  Gpa's hair perfect.

Two things.  
1.  He hasn't seen his Gma and Gpa in almost a week.
2.  His Gpa has no hair.    

serious about the deuce dropping.

Man With the Yellow Hat to George:  He isn't hurting the trees, he's pruning them.
Henry:  PRUUUUUUUNNNNNNNES!  Henry want pruuuuuuuuuuuunes!!!!!!

lunch talk.

Me:  Would you like pizza for lunch?
Henry:  Pizza all gone.  Recycle box.
Me:  Yep we recycled the box but there is pizza left in the fridge.  Would you like some for lunch?
Henry:  Want pizza lunch.  Have microwave first.  Please.

It seemed like I waited forever for this kid to talk.  Every day he amazes me more and more. 

this is my life. i chose this.

Two things I've said today completely seriously...

"You may not get your wenis all over my bed."  -to Henry as I was trying to change his diaper and he was trying to crawl away.

"It is very difficult to discuss the difference between 'spill' and 'pour' while you are playing with your little nipples." - Henry had poured his water down the front of his shirt and then decided it was uncomfortable eating lunch while he was soaked so he took off his shirt.  When I asked him what happened to his shirt he said he spilled which was kind of true but kind of not since he did it on purpose. 

It isn't even nap time yet so who knows what the rest of the day will bring.  Right now he is playing computer games by himself.  Be afraid.  I know I am.

winning the war. aka a really long rambling post about sleep issues.

I've always been afraid of bedtime.  My bedtime.  Henry's bedtime.  I suck at sleeping and I'm always terrified that Henry is also going to suck at sleeping.  Henry, however, has always been really good at sleeping.  I will take credit for that although I'm pretty sure most of the credit goes to him for being a kick ass kid.  Lately he hasn't been great at napping which isn't a huge deal because when he doesn't nap he sleeps 14 hours at night.  When he does nap, it's usually only for an hour and then he sleeps 12 hours at night.  Clearly he's getting enough rest to be happy and healthy.  I always hear my friends' horror stories about bedtime and kids that won't go to sleep and they end up sleeping in their beds with them or the kids get locked in their bedrooms so they can't escape.  NOT JUDGING.  I would totally lock Henry in his room if I had to.  So this is what I worry about which is silly because I can probably count on my fingers the number of times he wouldn't go to sleep and/or had to cry it out.  Most of those times were when we were on vacation and it was one million degrees Fahrenheit and the only way I fell asleep without crying was drinking lots of summer shandy.  And I do mean lots. 

Then came this past weekend.

I don't know exactly what happened because Henry was with his dad.  All I know is that I was getting text messages about Henry not sleeping and staying up crying and only getting 8 hours of sleep.  It was even more awful not being there to help him get some rest than if he had been here. 

And then he came home. 

He was exhausted and desperately needed sleep but he did not want to have anything to do with our normal bedtime routine.  He cried and claimed he needed to cuddle mom-mom, completely knowing I can't say no to cuddle time.  When I finally did put him to bed he cried like I had also put snakes and biting ants and dirt in bed with him.  20 minutes later he passed out and I passed out but not from summer shandy, it was vodka tonic.  It's a good thing he is normally a good sleeper or I might have a drinking problem by now.  When my life was most painful and dramatic, I did not have my normal coping mechanisms of smoking and drinking to turn to because I was almost 7 months pregnant.  Now that I know I can get through what I went through without those two things, I really don't turn to them as much as I used to.  I don't smoke at all  Hahahahahahaaa

Anyway, the second night he was home he was more open to the bedtime routine but still claimed to need cuddle time.  Now he says, "cuddle minute" over and over until I reassure him that we'll cuddle a minute before he goes to bed.  He cried for 7 minutes and then gave up. 

Tonight, the third night, I feel we are getting back to normal and I am winning this sleep war.  We had a busy day and evening so again he was pretty tired.  As we began our bedtime routine, he started his "cuddle minute" chant and I told him we would definitely cuddle and talk about our day.  As we were cuddling he almost fell asleep which I did not want to happen because cuddle minute happens in my bed.  I got him up to say night night to Willie Horton and he had to kiss and hug his many cars and trucks and diggers and when I laid him in bed, he immediately jumped up and started to cry but by the time I closed his door behind me and taken my hand off the door knob, he had stopped.

Winner winner chicken dinner.  Night night sweet boy.

Here's a photo from one of our fun activities today.  It was 55 degrees today which meant lots of melted snow and big puddles to play in!

The first person to make a global warming comment gets punched in the thermometer by me.  Of course I believe global warming is real and is happening and we need to take care of our planet.  At the same time, weather is different than climate.  Duh.  That shit really bugs me.

Out.
 

did that just happen?

• I was watching an early episode of the West Wing.  Charlie told a potential Supreme Court nominee that he used to caddy at Sandy Hook.  Whoa.
• I went to Dick's Sporting Goods to exchange a pair of socks.  One pair of socks.  Ended up standing in line forever due to a young woman who I believe decided to return every single holiday gift she received.  And did I mention that every single holiday gift she received was purchased at Dick's Sporting Goods?  It was so painful.  Thankfully the kid was home with the babysitter.  I started chatting with a very nice man in line behind me.  We had lots of time to talk.  Here's the kicker, they didn't have the socks I wanted so I wasn't even successful with the exchange.  The man in line behind me had a quick exchange so we ended up walking out of the store together.  As we were walking toward my car I said, "well this is me." and he said, "Oh looks like I'm right next to you." and I shit you not, the only car next to mine was a Porsche Cayenne.  A very shiny and probably new Porsche Cayenne.  As I started to laugh because it was very funny, he said, "So maybe I can get your number?" and through my giggles I said, "I'm sorry, I'm not really very available. Thanks though..." and I got in my car and laughed even harder.  The thought of even knowing someone that drives that car, let alone giving my digits to someone that drives that car, was too much.  Then on my way home I realized that shit, if he actually owned that car I probably should have given him my number, address and all vital statistics. 

happy new year!

I was happy to say goodbye to 2012 which now that I read that line, it just sounds ridiculous.  Having a defined starting line to something, to life, to changes, is a good thing so with January 1, 2013, I have decided that this will be the year that I let go of a lot of shit.  The list of stuff to say goodbye to is long but toward the top of that list are anger and hope.  While they seem different, in my life they have been much the same.  I still have hope on my list of good things, but this hope that I'm letting go of is different.  I have been hoping for certain things for a while now and it just seems unfruitful and exhausting and at the end, disappointing.  So I let go of hoping for those things and redefine my hopes for this year. 

This morning Henry wanted me to fix a toy that realistically there is no fixing.  It is broke ass broke.  As I was looking it over and turning it in my hands while closely inspecting, Henry went over to his workbench and brought back his toy screwdriver.  He handed it to me and said, "fix it, mom mom."  So.  Sweet. 

This year will bring more disappointments for both Henry and I but we are mostly looking forward to laughing til we pee, baking yummy treats, getting a job/getting into daycare, traveling, and finding love where we can. 

Happy new year, indeed. 

Oh, and fixing what we can.