so about that snow day.

I should know better than to get too excited about things working out smoothly in my life.  Mid-morning on that non-snow-day I got a call from Henry's teacher.  He was crying more than usual about wanting me and when she hugged him to make him feel better, he felt a little warm so she took his temperature and it was elevated a little bit.  Because he wasn't his usual self, she thought he wasn't feeling well and I should pick him up.  Yeah.  Remember not having a back up plan?  And I had a million things to do at my new job?  And I had already missed time at my new job because I had to take care of him?  None of it mattered, my boy needed me so I hung up the phone and was out the door.  Rescheduled the doctor appointment I had cancelled the day before because I thought he was doing better.  With the help of his grandparents, got him situated, ran around like crazy to get everything taken care of at work and bolted to get him to his doctor appointment.  He was in a foul mood and thankfully fell asleep in the car.  On the way to the appointment the weight of the world, my world, smacked me upside the head and I couldn't get it to stop smacking me.  All I could think was my kid was really sick, he hates day care and I need to find another one, I ruined him by staying home with him so long, how am I going to get everything done in time for Christmas, he deserves better.  By the time I parked my car at the doctor's office I thought my head was going to explode.  I sat there and sobbed.  And sobbed some more.  Checked to make sure Henry was still sleeping.  Sobbed a little more.  Didn't want to be late for the appointment so wiped my tears away.  Took a deep breath and got out of the car.   

The doctor was concerned about some noises she heard in his chest that she thought might be pneumonia-y and said we should take it easy for the next few days.  No family party on the weekend.  No school on Monday.  Lots of rest and laying low.  What a nightmare.

I had baking to do.
I had to figure out an appetizer for a dish to pass for Christmas eve.
Henry hadn't been to see Santa yet.
If he doesn't go to school he isn't going to have any friends.
My kid is going to be the weirdo with no friends.
Shopping, shopping, shopping.
I sent him to school and he might have a touch of the pneumonia.  I'm an awful mother.

When we were getting ready to leave the office I was putting his shoes on him and he wrapped his arms around my head and said, "I'm gonna squeeze ya, mom-mom.  I love ya, mom-mom."  and all that other stuff went away.

I have Henry.
We have family that loves us and supports us and doesn't even want gifts.
I can photoshop Henry into Santa photos this year if I have to.
I get to spend 2 whole days with Henry, just staying home and being together.
My job has been so understanding and flexible and kind and caring and patient.
We will be okay.
We are better than okay.
We are great.

I've come a long way since Henry was born as far as my self-esteem and my feelings of self-worth, and my freak outs are fewer and farther between.  Every once in a while I still go back to that place where I feel completely overwhelmed and ill equipped to handle any of it, let alone all of it.  And then Henry brings me back with a squeeze around my head or a joke or an, "I love ya." Two things happen.  1.  I am reminded of what is important.  Henry.  Raising Henry in a loving environment and teaching him the things that I believe are important to being a loving, respectful and intelligent human being.  2.  In focusing on that, my mind slows down enough to let the other stuff go.  Sure that stuff will have to be dealt with eventually but it will all work out in some way.

Still, let's not have anymore snow/sick days for a while.

Next post: fewer words.  more photos.  Henry's aunt and uncle and cousins gave him a little digital camera for Christmas.  He pretty much only takes photos of crotches so consider yourself warned.