Yesterday I posted this photo as my profile pic on the book of faces.

I love this photo because it was taken at Henry's very first baseball game.  The Tigers were playing the Braves at ESPN Wide World of Sports Stupid Ass Name For A Ballpark Ballpark in Orlando.  I also love this photo because I forgot I was that skinny.

This photo also makes me sad.  I want to go back to this time and smack me upside the head.  The sunglasses hide this crazy sadness I took with me everywhere I went, even spring training.  I worried about everything.  I was terrified by the future.  Nothing in my life made sense.  I feel selfish for letting all the bullshit take away from my enjoying every moment with this beautiful human being. 

I wish I could tell the person in the photo that everything will be okay.  Henry will indeed shit again and it will be in the next day while he is in the rental car carseat in downtown Lakeland and shit will be everywhere.  Everywhere.  No, really, everywhere.  And it will be green and runny and you will have to think on your shitty feet to figure out how to get him cleaned up and in a moment of genius you will change him in the trunk of the rental car because it's clean and semi-private and most importantly, you don't have to worry about sanitizing the trunk because you'll be turning the car in in a couple days anyway. 

I would tell her that baseball will go on and she can still enjoy it because it won't always remind her of the love and friendship that was destroyed and gone forever or maybe was never real in the first place.

I would tell her that her friends and family will make sure she and her son always feel loved and she can call them and visit them and reach out to them anytime and they will never make her feel needy and annoying even though she probably will be both needy and annoying because she already was needy and annoying. 

I would tell her that when she takes care of herself, she is also taking care of her son.  Pretending she is okay doesn't always count as actually being okay.

I would tell her that her son, 3 years later, will be amazing in ways she could never imagine.  

tursday.

Henry asked me what day it is, I replied, "Thursday." His response?  "No mom, it's Tuuurrrssssssday."

It doesn't matter what day it is, this morning sucked balls.  Hard.  Henry spent time in time out.  I got hit upside the head when he was in time out.  Which lead to more time out.  Which lead to me telling him if he didn't stay in time out until time out was done, Ms. Lisa was going to find out. Which led to him screaming even louder and crying even harder and him not wanting to go to school.  Which led to me feeling like a complete asshole and like a terrible mother. 

Hugs and kisses and apologies ensued.  From both sides. 

In the car, on the way to school, I still felt like an asshole and even though Henry clearly felt better, he was laughing and making jokes and requesting songs, I was stuck in that place of, let it go, but did I make it clear that this cannot happen?  I didn't like that I got hit upside the head.  I didn't like that I had to pry his mouth open to brush his teeth, a task he normally gets to do on his own in the morning.  Mostly, I didn't like that the more pissed he got, the more pissed I got.  It's my job to not get caught up in the bullshit.  He's a kid.  I ended up telling him I love him every oh, 10 seconds and when we got to school I made the point of apologizing for saying I would tell his teacher what happened and I shouldn't have said that and she will never have to know about something like that.  I told him I hoped he would have a great day at school and I would be thinking of him and I will work on not yelling and getting mad and to always remember mom-mom loves him.  He responded with, "It's okay, mom.  I am going to have a smiley-face day.  Always remember Henry loves you."

recalls.

I pay attention to recalls because I want to make sure Henry's shit is safe.  Mostly, though, they make me laugh.  This was the headline I read today:

"Rollerblade USA Recalls Tempest Inline Skates Due to Fall Hazard."

ummmm....

Every recall is a reminder that people are idiots and how the hell do I keep Henry safe from that??

smart ass.

The other day Henry and I were at the pet supplies store and this conversation happened. 

Henry: What are their names?
Me: I don't know if they have names. Maybe you should name them. What do you want to name the one in the corner?
Henry: Ummm... his name is Cat Food.

"and i miss you, like the desert masquerade..."

When I was in college there was a song with the lyric, "and I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain..." but my friend, he misunderstood due to all of the desert masquerades that are out there.  

This morning I miss my son a lot.  I was in the living room when he got up and what had started out as a dark and cold morning instantly turned bright and sunny at the sound of his feet running down the hallway.  The sun hadn't come close to rising yet.  He tackled me with hugs and peppered me with kisses and oh the sweet, sweet, "Good morning, mom!  I love you!", it was all a bit much and brought tears to my eyes. 

Henry and I often talk about missing someone - his dad, his friends.  Last night when he got home from visiting his dad he was very sad.  He sat in my lap and cried and I hugged him and rocked him and tried to make him feel safe and loved.  He said he missed his dad because his dad had to go to Washington, D.C. again.  My heart broke all over again but not for me this time, for my son.  It is up to me to make all of this okay.  Last night I felt like a failure.

I wanted to stay home today, to spend time with Henry.  To play and laugh and make him feel loved.  Had he been sad this morning, I would have called in sick to work and we would have stayed in our pj's all day and baked cookies and cake and made forts and whatever else he wanted to do.  He woke up happy and ready to go to school to see his friends, he said he missed them.  I asked him if he missed me when he was gone for the weekend, and he said, "No, mom.  You are always right here."  This morning, I don't feel like as much of a failure.

sunshine day.

We had two days of above freezing temperatures and ooooooh how I enjoyed them.  Henry got to go outside at school yesterday, the second time since he started attending on December 9, 2013.  On our way home from work and school last night he laughed almost the entire way because the sun was so bright he couldn't keep his eyes open.  When we got home he didn't even bother going inside, he sat in his car and went for a drive.  He climbed up snow banks and went down the other side even though I warned him not to because the snow on the other side was really, really deep.  We cracked up as he yelled for help because he was stuck in waist deep snow on the other side of the snow bank.  He laughed maniacally when I tried to rescue him and got stuck.  He splashed in the puddles of slush and muddy water.  He threw snowballs, "Look mom!  I'm Verlander!" but not too many since he also refused to wear his mittens.  Yes, I'm a terrible mom for letting him play in the snow and slush and mud without boots and mittens but at the time, I wanted him, us, to enjoy every single moment of sunshine and when I tried to stop him to get bundled up, he laughed and ran away.  When he got cold he said it was time to go inside to warm up.  We took off his soaked socks and pants and cuddled in the rocking chair, still laughing about all the fun we just had. 

Today we have another winter weather advisory in effect for sleet, snow, rain, freezing rain, thunderstorms, and wind gusts up to 55 mph.  It is dark and grey outside my window so I will close my blinds and remember yesterday.

is it wake upping time?

4:55 a.m.

Henry:  Mom!  Good morning!  It's time to wake up!  We have to get ready for work and school now.
Me: *checks the clock and sees it's too early* It's too early kiddo, the alarm hasn't gone off yet.
H:  Mom!  I'm gonna get up, okay?
M:  zzzzzzzzz....
H:  Mom!  I didn't stay in my bed last night, isn't that silly?!
M: zzzzzzzzz....
H: Okay mom, I'm getting up.  Byebye.

5:15 a.m.
Henry:  Mom!  Is it time to wake up?
Me:  zzzzzzzzz....
H:  Mom!  Mom!  I want to cuddle.
M:  Climb under the covers, we can cuddle.

5:30 a.m.
Alarm goes off.
Me:  Good morning, Henry!  It's time to get up!
Henry:  No mom, it's not wake upping time.  Don't wake me up. I want to go to sleep.

I got up and in the time that he had gotten up by himself, he had turned on lights in the kitchen, played with his trucks on the counter, turned on a lamp in the living room and looked at some books on the floor.  No wonder he was tired and needed to go back to sleep!  I hope he takes a good nap at school today or this evening will be no fun for anyone.

vacation.

When I was a kid, my family took vacations every summer.  I never realized how much work it was for my parents until I had a kid.  Henry and I spent the weekend in Grand Rapids and we stayed at a hotel and we visited with family and swam in the hotel pool and went to bed early and woke up early and just had a blast.  One night.  70 miles away.  The vacations my parents took us on were across the country and involved campgrounds and day trips and NO INTERNET to plan the trip or to keep us occupied/happy while stuffed in the grocery getter for hours at a time.  It must have been a nightmare for them.  The heat.  The fights.  The food bills!  Vacation.  They did that for our family.  We all have fond and some not-so-fond memories of these trips.  I want this for Henry.  I want this for my family.  But one night in a hotel an hour away from home exhausted me to the point that I never want to leave home again.  Except it is important to me that Henry have fun memories and gets to see more of the world than our little town.  And staying home would mean I might miss out on more of this.

keepin' it real.

Me:  Henry, I am exhausted tonight.  I think I'm going to go to bed when you go to bed.
Henry:  No, mom.  First you have to do the laundry.  Then you have to fold it.  Then you can go to bed.  Okay?
M: grrrrr...
H: You can put it away tomorrow.  Don't come in my room, mom.  I'll be sleepin'.

make it stop. please.

The other day Graco announced a pretty massive recall on car seats.  I bought Henry's car seat a long time ago and couldn't remember what brand I purchased so I ran out to check.  I was relieved to find it's an Evenflo because who has time to deal with a car seat recall?  

The problem is that since I checked the brand and every time I get him in or out of the car and see the word, "Evenflo" on the seat, I start to sing Even Flow.  And then I can't get it out of my head.  We get in and out of the car at least twice each day.  Sometimes more.  I used to love that song.  

This evening I plan on shopping for a Graco seat, recalled or not.

five days a week.

My work hours are from 7:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m.  Henry's school is open until 6 p.m.  Every day I plan on leaving him there until at least 5 p.m. because when I pick him up at 3:30, he misses out on some of the lessons for the day and I always have errands to run that will be easier to take care of without a 3-year-old.  Every day 3:30 rolls around and I cannot get to his school quickly enough to see him.  I miss him and can't wait to hear about his day.  I'm going to try again today but it is 12:30 p.m. and my plan for after my lunch break is to bust ass to get everything done so I can get out of here on time to pick him up. 

Sometimes it is nice to miss someone and sometimes it just fucking sucks.

debbie downer.

I love it that the sun is rising earlier every day.  Unfortunately I am used to getting to work when it's still dark so now every day I think I'm late for work.  It sucks being super stressed out about being late when I'm not even late. 

Except today.  It was really light when I got to work and I really was late.  It's Henry's fault.  He was still snoring at 6:15 and the first thing he said when I woke him up was, "Dexter the digger wants to dig ice." which meant he had to play on the floor with his digger and a plate and bowl full of ice cubes.  Getting him out the door on time was not in his plans.  I had to let him play though because yesterday morning I had cleaned out the ice cube tray and thrown out all of the old ice.  We used up all the ice last night before he was done playing so I had promised him there would be more in the morning.

Of course my kid wants to play with ice cubes during the coldest, snowiest winter of his life.  

spring training.

I haven't been to Florida for spring training since 2011.  I rarely watch baseball anymore.  My friends mock me for my lack of interest in the sport that used to be a huge part of my life.  It's not that I don't like baseball.  All that energy and interest I had put in baseball, it has been put into raising my son.  Eventually I would like to have something left to put toward baseball but right now, I just can't. 

This morning I looked out the window and saw that it had snowed last night.  A lot.  I almost cried.  I didn't know it was supposed to snow so I was not prepared.  I am done with winter.  The other day I was so done with winter that I looked for affordable flights to Florida for spring training.  I remembered how I used to feel at this time of year.  So done with winter but it was okay because I would be sitting in the sun watching the Detroit Tigers soon.  Right now I am so done with winter but I am too poor to afford two $400 plane tickets and hotel and baseball tickets and all the other stuff that goes along with a quick trip to anywhere. 

Winter is killing me.

Even though I don't have much time for baseball anymore, I have already made the decision to go to spring training next year.  If we have another crazy cold and snowy winter, I don't know how I will survive without knowing there will be a break from it, even it's just for a weekend.  For this year, we are planning a fun weekend with friends at a nice hotel with an indoor pool and a fancy restaurant/bar right in the hotel. 

Someday spring will be here.  Someday I'll give a shit about baseball again. 

Yep.