Yesterday I posted this photo as my profile pic on the book of faces.

I love this photo because it was taken at Henry's very first baseball game.  The Tigers were playing the Braves at ESPN Wide World of Sports Stupid Ass Name For A Ballpark Ballpark in Orlando.  I also love this photo because I forgot I was that skinny.

This photo also makes me sad.  I want to go back to this time and smack me upside the head.  The sunglasses hide this crazy sadness I took with me everywhere I went, even spring training.  I worried about everything.  I was terrified by the future.  Nothing in my life made sense.  I feel selfish for letting all the bullshit take away from my enjoying every moment with this beautiful human being. 

I wish I could tell the person in the photo that everything will be okay.  Henry will indeed shit again and it will be in the next day while he is in the rental car carseat in downtown Lakeland and shit will be everywhere.  Everywhere.  No, really, everywhere.  And it will be green and runny and you will have to think on your shitty feet to figure out how to get him cleaned up and in a moment of genius you will change him in the trunk of the rental car because it's clean and semi-private and most importantly, you don't have to worry about sanitizing the trunk because you'll be turning the car in in a couple days anyway. 

I would tell her that baseball will go on and she can still enjoy it because it won't always remind her of the love and friendship that was destroyed and gone forever or maybe was never real in the first place.

I would tell her that her friends and family will make sure she and her son always feel loved and she can call them and visit them and reach out to them anytime and they will never make her feel needy and annoying even though she probably will be both needy and annoying because she already was needy and annoying. 

I would tell her that when she takes care of herself, she is also taking care of her son.  Pretending she is okay doesn't always count as actually being okay.

I would tell her that her son, 3 years later, will be amazing in ways she could never imagine.