things i like.

• Henry.
• laughing.
• spicy food.  
• having people talk to me about baseball and responding as if I have any fucking idea what they are talking about.  People.  I haven't watched baseball in about 3 years and 8 months.  
• computers that work.
• being in love.
• taking a break from work to make lists.

things i dislike.

• phone calls from my son's teacher.
• the smell of Pine Sol.
• people yelling at me.
• yelling at people yelling at me.
• the smell of bleach.
• getting stood up by people I have appointments with.  Twice in one day.
• worrying about my son.
• feeling very alone in trying to figure out how to make my son feel better, in a larger sense.  As in, making him feel better about his world and our circumstances.  
• waiting, waiting, waiting for some much anticipated good news. 

This has pretty much been my day so far.  

deep.

These two were peas in a pod the entire Memorial Day weekend. 

I know they were eating sunflower seeds and talking about very important things.  Neither of them would tell me the topics of conversation.  Both were very happy about life. 

nothing to see here.

Last week Henry's teacher sent home a note asking parents to help their kid(s) find an orange-sized rock to bring to school for a project.  She asked that the rock be washed and brought to school on June 9th.  No problem.  Henry loves looking for rocks.  And then this weekend happened. 

Saturday we were busy at some family fun day event where I learned that Henry is a normal 3-year-old.  He didn't win the new bike in the bike raffle and he cried for days about it.  Maybe not days but it was a really long time, especially for a kid who already had a bike.  Why didn't they pick my name mom?  Why don't I get that bike?  I want that bike!  Mom!  Why didn't I win?  I need a new bike!  Now!!  Imagine hearing that for days.  Really loudly.  With wailing in between.  Lots of loud wailing.  Oh, and he thinks it's funny to yell, "Jesus Christ!" while surrounded by people we don't know.  Yay!  We also spent a lot of time at the mall where I could escape nature and not have my allergies make me want to die.  I wonder where Henry gets his dramatic streak?  We rode the train.  We played chase.  When it was time to go he wanted to play at the little play place that was teeming with disgusting children and we didn't have time.  The crying began again.  People stared because it sounded like I had just beat him senseless.  I hadn't.  Yet.  Just kidding.  He fell asleep on the way home so I took the long way home.  I carried him inside and laid him on the couch thinking he would wake up and demand a new bike and a mall play place.  He slept.  And he slept.  I fell asleep, too.  We woke up at 6:30 p.m.  Shit.  We napped almost 2 hours.  This is exactly what totally messed our week up last week.  Except this was a Saturday and he was home.  I let him stay up until 9 and he went to bed like a champ.  Whew. 

We slept in until 7:30 Sunday morning.  It felt like heaven.  We went to church.  It was a different service because the Pastor retired and it was her good-bye celebration.  Henry sat through much of it like a champ but we decided to leave before he got loud.  He said it was a good choice, I agreed.  We went to the next event, an open house for his cousin who graduated from high school.  Henry played with his cousins while I helped set up and get things ready and then drank beer and visited with friends and relatives.  We got home later than I had planned but once again, Henry took a bath and went to bed like a champ even though he had eaten Oreo cookies for dinner and chocolate cake for dessert.  I love this kid! 

This morning on the way to work and school I remembered we were supposed to bring a rock to school.  Shit.  The subdivision near our house has lovely landscaping with orange-sized rocks but we were already halfway to school, I didn't want to go back.  Then I decided I would need to find somewhere else with lovely landscaping.  Thankfully, it didn't take long to see a parking lot with trees surrounded by orange-sized rocks.  I pulled in the parking lot and casually opened the door and snagged a rock. 
"Henry, do you like this rock?"
"Oh I love that rock, mom."
"Good, it's for school."
"Why are we getting this rock?"
"Ms. Lisa said you need to bring a rock to school and we found this one, together."
"I like finding rocks with you.  Can I watch Curious George now?"
"Of course you can."
That's right.  Not only did I steal a rock on the way to school this morning.  I let my kid watch Curious George because when we got home last night I was too tired to put away the dvd player in the car.  I don't win any mom-of-the-year awards today or ever but guess what?  My kid doesn't have to be the only kid without a rock for whatever project they are doing today. Sometimes it's the best you can do.

dreams.

I love it when I remember my dreams.  Recently I was talking with someone who said they rarely remember their dreams and I actually felt bad for them.  My dreams often feel very real and I wake up feeling the same way I felt in my dream, which is why there have been times in my life that I refused to sleep because I didn't want to dream.  When my ex-husband left Optimus Prime (aka fetus Henry) and I, the thought of seeing him in my dreams was enough to make me sleep as little as possible.  I would stay up until 4 or 5 a.m. and then wake up at 7 a.m.  Then I mentioned it to my ob/gyn and he said I was growing a human being, I needed to sleep.  I did finally get some sleep and when my ex-husband showed up in my dreams it wasn't as traumatic as I thought it would be.  As the years have gone by, I rarely dream about my life before Henry.  Last night, however, I had a crazy ass dream about Henry and I in the basement of this haunted house but it was real, not some Halloween production.  We were looking for some guy, I don't remember who he was or why we were looking for him, but we knew we had to find him because I was going to be marrying my ex-husband again.  We finally found him and he told me that my ex-husband had taken off and the wedding was called off.  Then I realized it was my ex's weekend with Henry and poof, Henry was gone and all these people were around me feeling sorry for me about the breakup and I was all, "People!  Really?  Been there, done that.  This is no big thing."  When I woke up, however, I felt inklings of the way I felt when he left us for real.  It felt so gross.  Then I heard a noise and I opened my eyes and saw Henry sleeping soundly, snoring loudly, next to me and I realized that Henry is my dream come true.  He is funny and kind and loving and curious and demanding and active and even though raising him mostly by myself isn't what I had dreamed about when we were planning to bring him into this world, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

zzzzz...

Today is Thursday.  I feel like I am sleep walking.  So much to do at work.  So much to do at home.  Yesterday was a shit day.  Everything at work went wrong, or at least it felt that way.  I just wanted to go home and sleep and then I remembered Henry had his first swim class at the YMCA.  I almost cried.  Silly, I know.  Especially silly because when do I ever get to go home from work and sleep?  I'll tell you when.  Never.  Henry and I joined the Y a couple weeks ago for two reasons.  One.  I'm getting fatter and need to exercise.  Two.  He needs to learn how to swim and I wasn't in love with the last place he took lessons so wanted to try the Y.  We joined the Y.  Surprisingly, just signing up and paying fees does not, in fact, mean you will suddenly have time to go exercise.  The only reason I remembered to actually sign him up and pay extra fees for swim class was he reminded me to sign him up and repeatedly asked when could he go to swim class.  I was so tired yesterday and just fed up with everything I considered asking someone else to take him to swim class.  When I picked him up from school though, he was so excited about going to class, I knew I would take him and I would love every minute of it.  He had a blast even though it was mass chaos and even though I was pretending to read a magazine, I was really watching him because there was so much going on, I wasn't sure the teachers would even realize if a kid or two went under and didn't come back up.  I'm pretty sure they would, but I read some article yesterday about how it only takes a second for a water tragedy and blah blah blah so it was fresh in my mind.  My plan for the rest of the week, meaning, today and tomorrow, is to survive and then hopefully get some rest on Friday night so we can party this weekend.  Maybe next week I will have time to go to the Y for me.  Maybe? 

When I drop Henry off at school he always asks for one more hug and kiss as I walk out the door and then after I give him one more hug and kiss he says, "Bye mom.  Go get some work done, okay?"  I love him.